Sometimes, Cosmopolitan has good sex tips for women. But more often than not, Cosmopolitan has very, very bad sex tips for women.
I’ve often wondered if Cosmo staffers sit around their newsroom thinking of the most absurd things that two people could possibly do in the bedroom and then print it in their magazine. If that is the case, that sounds like a really fun job and where do I sign up?
I’m really not sure how else Cosmo comes up with some horribly hilarious sex tips. Here are 11 of the worst:
11. Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.
This seems like it would be incredibly messy for no reason at all.
10. Use “your electric toothbrush” or “your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries].”
Um. If you do this, please never lend anyone your phone. Ever.
9. Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, “Wanna hear me do this tonight?”
This is a great idea! Especially if your boyfriend/ spouse works in, say, a newsroom or in a cubicle and not an office with a door.
8. Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he’s on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.
Just because baseball is the most popular sport to make sex metaphors out of does not mean you need to literally have a baseball present during your nighttime activities.
7. Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.
Even if you are into freaky stuff, this would be super awkward.
6. Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.
To be fair, this was a reader submission. But Cosmo actually printed it for people to read and do at home.
5. Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him. It will make him burn with pleasure.
Having warm socks will not make your husband want to have sex with you. It will make him want to fall asleep by a fire.
4. Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.
Your boyfriend is not the edge of a pie crust. Why do we need to bring sharp objects into this?
3. Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.
There is absolutely NO. WAY. they are for real about this. There’s just no way.
2. Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.
If someone ever brought a turkey baster into the bedroom, the other party would run screaming.
1. When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.
This sex “tip” was in an issue of Cosmo back when I was in high school and I still remember it to this day. That’s how mind-blowingly terrible and hilarious it is.