Everyone’s a winner on Academy Awards night, because even if Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t win best supporting actress, she will still go to sleep knowing that she is beautiful, wealthy and fabulous. Also, because she will get to take home a gift bag filled with $80,000 worth of crap.
Every Oscar nominee who doesn’t win in their category will be gifted a ridiculous amount of loot in lieu of a pointless golden statue in the shape of a tiny little man.
Let’s analyze everything in the bag (via Huffington Post), shall we?
- Wine-infused chocolates from Chicago-based Chocolatines. Because Russell-Stover just doesn’t cut it in Hollywood.
- 10,000 Halo natural pet food meal donations made to the loser’s pet charity of choice. Kids with leukemia, Alzheimer’s research…pet charities!
- Hydroxycut protein shakes, bars and gummies. No fatties allowed.
- Swiss-made Slow Watches. Sure.
- Betty Jane candies. Okay.
- Acure Organics “cutting-edge” skincare products. Phrases like “cutting-edge skincare” are enough to turn on all actresses the age of 35.
- Jan Lewis bracelets and silk ties. Because everyone knows celebrities don’t get enough free accessories.
- Cannonball wine. Classic gift bag staple.
- A wearable camera by Narrative Clip. So celebrities can re-watch themselves doing fabulous things over and over.
- Polar Loop activity tracker. Need to make sure these actresses are exercising enough.
- Bee Free Honee organic apple honey. Bee-less honey is the most L.A. thing of all time.
- Blossom Blends “bespoke” teas. Customized teas are a thing now, apparently.
- Mace pepper spray gun. Practical, but random. Right?
- Fine art from Gizara Arts. When something is described as “fine art,” it’s usually not.
- Jitseu Handbags. What, did Chanel stop making bags or something? This is pretty B-team.
- The LOADED book series. Aka: Please read this book and offer to option it into a movie and/ or miniseries, and also star in and direct it!
- Steamist Total Sense home spa system. “Home spa system” is something a woman in Omaha buys from a late-night infomercial.
- Aviv 613 luxury vodka. What? No Ciroc?
- Wrag Wrap luxury sustainable gift wrap. Wow, they are starting to phone it in here.
- Dosha Pops. ?
- VETVIK “The Covert” leather iPhone case. This is what you give your cousin for Christmas when you can’t think of anything else.
- HISY Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple devices. What about the last Dell guy standing?
- Mane ‘n Tail haircare products and Conceived by Nature styling products. Come on, you can get this stuff at Whole Foods. This is getting offensive.
- The Green Garmento Gargantote and dry cleaning bag. Sure.
- Le Petit Cirque aerial lessons. Okay, this would be really fun.
- Epic Pet Health electrolyte therapy. SERIOUSLY?!
- M3K Beauty products for “exceptionally vibrant skin.” Just in case the “cutting-edge skincare” doesn’t cut it.
- DrainWig. Um.
- Acupuncture sessions with Heather Lounsbury. Of course.
- Personal training sessions at Huntley Drive Fitness. This is nice.
- Rouge Maple “best maple syrup you’ve ever tasted.” To go with their bee-less honey.
- Slimware portion-control plates. Aw! This is mean.
- Coolway “no damage” Go Pro blow dryer. As if these people dry their own hair.
- Simon’s Happy Pet Shampoo. Again with the pets! What if someone doesn’t have a pet and or does not like animals? Stop trying to push your beliefs on everyone. Jeez.
- Wonder Glow Organic Lipgloss from Makeup Studio by Diane Capt. You can never have enough lip gloss, right Hugh Jackman?
- Knit & Co. cable knit mittens. This seems unnecessary for a group of people who largely live in Los Angeles.
- Krystal Klear Water whole house water filtration system. The tap water in Beverly Hills is unacceptable, everyone knows this.
- The O-Shot procedure by Dr. Charles Runels. This sounds X-rated. Don’t Google it.
- ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant System performed by Dr. William Yates. Hahahaha.
- Max Martin luxury American-made shoes. USA!
- Deluxe vacation packages to the Canadian Rockies, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Mexico and Japan. Hell yes.