With CPAC nearly upon us like a herd of elephants, The Mirror presents the varying men you might meet there. The following post is by Lisa de Pasquale, author of the newly published Meeting Mr. Righteous, a book about her religious transformation and quest to meet her soulmate. The brunette with blunt bangs recently shared a number of juicy details about herself in The Mirror Questionnaire, including where she wants to have sex in Washington. At CPAC, you’ll find Lisa, who’s still looking for her Mr. Righteous, flirtatiously signing books on March 7 at 2 p.m. in the CPAC Hub/Exhibit Hall.
And now…the men of CPAC:
Thousands of men and women from across the country will gather at National Harbor, MD this week for the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). If you’re a conservative looking for a mate with similar values, CPAC might be a good place to start. But, be warned: The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I was the Director of CPAC from 2006 to 2011. During that time I saw everything from backstage flirtations to three-day relationships to hook-ups that led to marriage. In my new book, Finding Mr. Righteous, I write about dating in the conservative movement and my religious journey. Ann Coulter calls it “a Christian story disguised as racy Chick Lit.” I’ll be doing a book signing at CPAC on Friday, March 7 at 2 p.m.
At CPAC, you’ll notice the men (as well as the women) have many of the same qualities. Here are some I’ve noticed over the years. I’ve also scored them on a scale of 1 (worst) to 10 (best) for long-term potential and short-time fun.
The Twitter “Celebrity”
There was a SNL sketch where host Daniel Radcliffe’s character says, “I’m Twitter famous.”
“Meaning?” someone asked.
“Not famous,” Radcliffe replied.
This is the Twitter Celebrity. It’s likely that he has a regular, non-political job (his best quality!), but has thousands of followers on Twitter because politics and snark are his hobby. Rather than introducing himself with his real name, he says “I’m [handle] on Twitter.” While he’s usually a nice guy, it can become tedious when he brags about being blocked by Keith Olbermann and once having a Twitchy post devoted to his tweet. He knows the tweet and number of retweets his most retweeted tweet received. I’m bored just writing that sentence! At CPAC, he’ll tweet photos of himself with other Twitter celebrities and tweet with them while they all sit at the same table. He’s at CPAC to be seen and be praised for Photoshops and hashtag games. Stay in touch after CPAC. There’s probably a nice, regular guy underneath and Twitter isn’t forever.
Long-term Potential: 7
Short-term Fun: 3
The Hill Staffer
He doesn’t want to be at CPAC. He will endlessly complain about how National Harbor is in the middle nowhere. He will do this to remind you that he works on the Hill, which is the center of his universe. He will tell you that the only reason he’s here is because “the Senator” or “the Congressman” is here. He’ll momentarily look up from his Blackberry (yes, he still uses a Blackberry and loves to brag that he still uses a Blackberry) and scan the room while pretending to not really look at anyone. CPAC doesn’t look good on him. Best to seek him out on neutral turf. Of, course there are Hill staffers who are genuinely happy to be there. You’ll find the good ones in the book signing lines for Ann Coulter and Eric Metaxas.
Long-term Potential: 6
Short-term Fun: 1
The Speaker
In addition to stand-alone speakers and 2016 cattle call participants, there are dozens of panels sponsored by CPAC and other organizations that will take place at the Gaylord this week. The Speaker is an easy guy to recognize because he will immediately announce himself. He will downplay it and roll his eyes, while constantly bringing up that he’s speaking at CPAC (nevermind it could be a panel in a room that holds 50 people). He’ll announce “I can’t go to so-and-so’s panel because MY panel is at the same time.” The Speaker will also attempt to wield his limited powers if he’s interested in you. If you express an interest in meeting a speaker, he’ll remind you that he can get in the green room. (CPAC Security Hint: He usually can’t after his panel is over.)
Long-term Potential: 5
Short-term Fun: 3
The PR Flack
I may be biased, but this one is my favorite. I met a PR Flack at CPAC 2003 and write about our relationship in Finding Mr. Righteous. They are at CPAC to staff organizations, speakers and clients who want to take advantage of all the reporters who attend CPAC. PR Flacks are people pleasers, so naturally they make good boyfriends. Don’t be turned off by their eagerness to network. It’s their job. It’s also their job to make cold calls to reporters. If you’re lucky, this will translate into that unique guy in DC who actually knows how to take initiative and ask for a date rather than forward an email about a happy hour and expect you to decipher his meaning. (More about this phenomenon in the book.)
Long-term Potential: 9
Short-term Fun: 4
The Booth B*tch
There are two types of “Booth B*tches” — those who want to be at CPAC and those who don’t. Those who do want to be there will eagerly wait for a chance to leave the exhibit hall to see speeches and meet people. It’s probably his first CPAC and/or time in the D.C. area. The guy who doesn’t want to be there will rule his booth area as if it’s his private kingdom. Don’t even think about throwing away your Starbucks cup in his booth’s trash can. Ask where the restrooms are located without taking the literature he has to lug back to the office? That will get you a dirty look. However, unlike the first-timer, he may flirt with you to pass the time. Just beware because he may not be single and is using you to relieve boredom.
Long-term Potential: 5
Short-term Fun: 4
The Blogger
The Blogger is very similar to the Twitter “Celebrity.” His notoriety is online, so his real world social skills may vary. The good ones are those who have day jobs and blog as a creative outlet or hobby. The tedious ones do it full-time and feel like the world owes them for the privilege of linking to others’ blogs or giving them a “hat tip.” He’ll brag about attending CPAC without ever going into the ballroom. He’ll talk about his successful his blog ads are, but will balk at having to pay for food or drink. He’ll quote himself. He’ll brag about how many happy hours and after-hour parties he went to the evening before. On the plus side, he’s probably funny and if he’s not used to getting attention from girls, it won’t be long before he adores you. The trick will be translating a friendship or relationship into real life and not just his online life.
Long-term Potential: 6
Short-term Fun: 8
Final Note: Of course these are all generalities for the purpose of humor and book sales. For more on these and other behind the scenes shenanigans at CPAC, check out my book, Finding Mr. Righteous.