Two score and 12 years ago, I was brought forth not on this continent but on the island of Hawaii to lead this once-great nation, conceived in liberty (though my administration has spied on everybody, everywhere) and allegedly dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
I do have to say, by the way, that some of us are more equal than others. But I digress.
Since I was inaugurated a little less than a third of a score ago, I have been engaged in many great and noble acts to test whether this nation is worthy of a president of my lionhearted caliber.
As I said in June of 2008, my presidency was supposed to be – was fated to be – the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.
America: You have failed me. You have frustrated me and disappointed me greatly. I tried to bring you a healthcare scheme which forces millions of you to buy insurance you don’t want, for example. Do you praise me? No. You are a nation of ingrates.
I raised taxes and added reams of bureaucratic roadblocks to economic growth. Are you appreciative? No. The American economy has been listless throughout my entire administration because you refuse to work hard. You are a nation of loafers and scallywags.
On my watch, a Navy SEAL team killed Osama bin Laden and dumped his body in the ocean. Do you thank me? No. Sometimes, on Air Force One, I think you have forgotten about my heroic leadership of the Navy SEALS entirely.
I also tried to establish a foreign policy of smart diplomacy. Remember that brilliant button I had symbolizing a reset for American relations with Russia? Remember how I have pointedly pronounced Pakistan as “Pahk-ee-stahn”? Does the world express its gratitude? No. Instead, Russia is starting wars with its neighbors and Pakistan remains a den of terrorists.
But, in a larger sense, I am concerned that the world will little note, nor long remember my illustrious presidency. I came to Washington to change the culture, to bend this country to my iron will. I will not give up on you, America, even though you have proven grossly unworthy of me. I remain dedicated to my presidency, which I have so nobly tried to advance.
My fellow Americans, who are not as good as me, I ask now that you redouble your efforts. Give the last full measure of devotion to the great task remaining before you. Resolve to make my fuzzy utopian dreams a reality so that my great and lofty presidency shall not end in vain—so that this nation, under my glorious stewardship, shall have a new birth of gratitude for me—and so that government of Barack Obama, by Barack Obama and for Barack Obama shall not perish from the earth.