The Daily Caller

The Daily Caller
CLOCKWISE: YouTube screenshot/warnervod, Getty Images North America/Oli Scarff, Getty Images/Chip Somodevilla, YouTube screenshot/Truth Revolt, YouTube screenshot/redarrowguy, YouTube screenshot/PuffDaddyVEVO CLOCKWISE: YouTube screenshot/warnervod, Getty Images North America/Oli Scarff, Getty Images/Chip Somodevilla, YouTube screenshot/Truth Revolt, YouTube screenshot/redarrowguy, YouTube screenshot/PuffDaddyVEVO  

The Daily Caller’s GINORMOUS List Grading College Commencement Speakers

Spring is in the air and college commencement season is upon us.

This year’s bumper crop of college students is about to experience a lifetime of debt repayment and all the benefits of the Obama economy, which, according to a recent survey, has produced real jobs for 17 percent of all college grads thus far. (RELATED: Over 80 Percent Of All Graduating Seniors Don’t Have Jobs Waiting For Them)

In this impressively comprehensive list, The Daily Caller very honestly grades a slew of celebrities who will speak (or, in a few cases, have already spoken) at various commencement ceremonies around the country in 2014.

Getty Images/Chip SomodevillaPresident Barack Obama is slated to give the 2014 baccalaureate address at the University of California at Irvine. On the one hand, it’s the president. On the other hand, security will be a royal mess and Obama can’t run for anything now, so what can he say that will be memorable? What has he ever said that is memorable? B.

Jill Biden Getty ImagesJill Biden, the spouse of Vice President Joe Biden will speak during the commencement at Villanova University. Democrat John Nance Garner of Texas once described the vice presidency as “not worth a bucket of warm piss.” What, then, is it worth to listen to the vice president’s spouse at your graduation ceremony? F.

Fareed Zakaria Getty Images/David L RyanFareed Zakaria is the scheduled speaker at Sarah Lawrence College, America’s most expensive college. Sarah Lawrence is filled with chain-smoking hipster waifs who dress weird, love theater and listen to indie music so obscure no one else has ever heard it. Zakaria is a noted plagiarist and self-proclaimed foreign policy expert. It should be a train wreck. TheDC hopes Zakaria brazenly opens his speech by saying, “Four score and seven years ago…” F.

Susan Wojcicki Creative Commons/Google Inc.Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of YouTube, will give the commencement speech at Johns Hopkins University. TheDC would give Wojcicki an A+ if she brings video clips of cats doing crazy things and various skateboard disasters. However, she will probably just talk, so: D.

YouTube screenshot/PuffDaddyVEVO

Rap magnate Sean Combs was the keynote speaker at Howard University. Before Combs was Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy or just Diddy, he was a business major at Howard. He dropped out in 1989 and worked his way up through the management side of the recording industry, starting as a lowly intern. Combs is now worth an estimated $700 million. A.

Jon Favreau gropes Hillary Clinton YouTube screenshot/redarrowguyJon Favreau, a former speechwriting director for President Obama, will speak at his alma mater, the College of the Holy Cross. Since Obama has never once said anything remotely memorable, Favreau is, of course, most famous for being photographed while grabbing the right boob of a life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton while some other dude thrusts a beer bottle up her right nostril. Holy Cross is supposed to be a serious Catholic school, and its name is Holy Cross. F.

Tory Burch Getty ImagesTory Burch is a great American entrepreneur. She is a fashion designer who started a fashion label named after herself. It boasts flagship stores in a handful of glitzy cities and shelf space in every classy department store. Burch will give the commencement speech at Babson College, a small school in Massachusetts that specializes in all things business. It’s an excellent match. A.