The Mirror

Free Advice From Cable News Contributor: Avoid Bikini Selfies

Every so often you come across someone who wants to convince you they have the keys to changing your life, be it Dr. Oz with his healthy pooping facts (okay, these might be helpful, actually), or Dr. Phil with his no nonsense advice on how to stop bullshitting yourself and those around you.

Well, today we have Ebong Eka, an author and small business contributor to a bunch of cable news outlets, including MSNBC and CNN. He wants to give you two tips that will allegedly GUARANTEE you 50 plus Twitter followers immediately.

Forgive me for being a doubter. But Eka’s advice sounds really, well, stupid because who doesn’t already know this stuff? And just so you can see how dim it is, he put it on a video that I’m going to now ask you to watch so you can see how absurd it is. Next time I encourage him to add music and a bright-colored T-shirt. Even white would’ve been a good contrast. And no, I’m not being racist. I’m just trying to color coordinate the video with his outfit and the strange ivory background.

Here are his two big pieces of advice: 1) Put a profile picture on your Twitter account. No “stupid ass” selfies of yourself in a bikini or with a beer can. 2) Your profile is extremely important. Eka says no writing #Yolo or other dumb hashtags. “I don’t care that you’re a wife or mommy or some kind of survivor. It has nothing to do with your business,” Eka insists.

Just so we get this straight, no flashing your boobs and no revealing that you’ve survived a terrible, harrowing illness involving gluten.

I’m thinking about asking him to be my life coach.

Watch below.