Another Bizarre Glimpse Into Celebrity Land

Rachel Stoltzfoos | Managing Editor, The Daily Caller News Foundation

James Franco denied sleeping with Lindsay Lohan a few months ago, and now he’s published a bizarre short story about it in case you’re not convinced.

“Bungalo 89,” published Tuesday by Vice, is mostly about how Lindsay Lohan is a messed up attention-whore who really really really wants to have sex with him, but he read her J.D. Salinger to her instead, even though he definitely is a sex god. Plus some stuff about vampires and celebrity demons and that time he acted in “Milk.”

Here are the 10 best moments:

1. The first of many times he denies Lohan sex:

“‘I just want to sleep on your couch. I’m lonely.’

‘We’re not going to have sex. If you want to come in, I’ll read you a story.’

‘A bedtime story?’

‘It’s called ‘A Perfect Day for Bananafish.’”

2. Apparently young women love Salinger:

“Once upon a time a guy, a Hollywood guy, read some Salinger to a young woman who hadn’t read him before. Let’s call this girl Lindsay. She was a Hollywood girl, but a damaged one. I knew that she would like Salinger, because most young women do.”

3. The time he was in bed with her but didn’t sleep with her:

“Now we were lying in bed. I wasn’t going to fuck her. She had her head on my shoulder. She started to talk. I let her.”

4. Franco is a billboard sex god.

“The billboard me was the vampire me: He sucked something from all the people in all the cars that passed below.

‘And he was immortal. Immortally young; immortally sex.'”

5. The other time he didn’t sleep with her:

“’He didn’t fuck me, that shit. And what was he doing there anyway? On my night. My night with Meryl, my night when everything was right, when I got everything I wanted. Almost.

‘I fucked one of the Greeks instead: a big-schnozzed, big-dicked, drunk motherfucker. We did it in the bath. That was the best night of my life.’”

6. More passive-aggressive Lohan bashing:

“I ran my fingers through her hair and thought about this girl sleeping on my chest, our fictional Hollywood girl, Lindsay. What will she do? I hope she gets better. You see, she is famous. She was famous because she was a talented child actress, and now she’s famous because she gets into trouble. She is damaged.”

7. The celebrity demon:

“I dreamed about vampires, and a voice came to me. It was a demon. The demon said, ‘I live on the power of celebrity, and I am celebrity. I am the power bestowed on people like you by all the myriad reflectors of your celebrity: the tabloids, the blogs, the fan pages, the way we sit in fans’ minds, the way people read us through your roles in films, etc. …

8. The celebrity demon speaks:

“‘Do all. You are immortal and live on forever, on the screens and in the minds of the peoples. Your physical self lives above their heads, in the dream hotels, in the chateaus of rarefied space, and your spirit inhabits their minds, while your teeth and cock feed on their bodies.’”

9. It’s not Franco’s fault Lohan is a damaged girl obsessed with sleeping with him:

“Do you think I’ve created this? This dragon girl, lion girl, Hollywood hellion, terror of Sunset Boulevard, minor in the clubs, Chateau Demon? Do you think this is me?”

10. What a great guy:

“The Chateau was her home, and the staff were her servants. She got my room key. One night she came in at 3 AM. I woke up on the couch, trying not to look surprised. Instead of fucking her, I read her a short story about a neglected daughter.”

Maybe Franco is an idiot going out of his way to bash Lindsay Lohan, so no one thinks he had sex with her. Or maybe this really is an attempt at vulnerability and self-expression from a celebrity about the celebrity life, which is a frightening thought. (RELATED: Gwyneth Paltrow on mean internet commenters)

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