Least Cool Man In America Rehabilitates Image In Nation’s Least Cool Magazine [VIDEO]
Al Gore has a plan for America. But in order to get the nation on board, he’s got to convince us that’s he’s super cool.
But Mr. Gore also has a problem. That is, he’s about as cool as Baghdad. And, well, writing 7,071 words in Rolling Stone magazine — a magazine that maybe used to be cool, according to VH1 (but now, no one reads) — isn’t really going to convince a soul, as our in-depth video investigation exposed:
Still, Mr. Gore tries. For example, he mentions “Koch” 17 times. (That’s Charles and David Koch, the libertarian billionaires.) And kids are really into Koch, so that’s a point there. But Mr. Gore has a tendency to stray, to obfuscate, to come across like that guy at the party who thinks he’s smarter than everyone and just can’t wait to tell them. Take the second line of his 13-page magnum opus: “The forward journey for human civilization will be difficult and dangerous, but it is now clear that we will ultimately prevail.”
Or this little run-on: “Underlying this new breaking of logjams in international politics, there are momentous changes in the marketplace that are exercising enormous influence on the perceptions by political leaders of the new possibilities for historic breakthroughs.”
But in addition from thinking he’s super smart, Mr. Gore assumes we’re all idiots. Which isn’t cool. Take this ode to Deutschland, for the record: “Germany, Europe’s industrial powerhouse, where renewable subsidies have been especially high, now generates 37 percent of its daily electricity from wind and solar; and analysts predict that number will rise to 50 percent by 2020.”
We can only assume that’s the same Germany where Der Spiegel reports “Electricity is becoming a luxury good.”
“German consumers already pay the highest electricity prices in Europe,” one Der Spiegel article reads. “But because the government is failing to get the costs of its new energy policy under control, rising prices are already on the horizon.” (RELATED: Germany’s Green Energy Nightmare Could Haunt The US)
So far, bad English and shoddy facts. Or, as we’ve come to expect from Mr. Gore, a whole lot of bluster.
But even former Vice President Al Gore wouldn’t compare climate change to the Nazi invasion of Europe, right?
In November 1936, Winston Churchill stood before the United Kingdom’s House of Commons and placed a period at the end of the misguided debate over the nature of the “gathering storm” on the other side of the English Channel: “Owing to past neglect, in the face of the plainest warnings, we have entered upon a period of danger. . . . The era of procrastination, of half measures, of soothing and baffling expedience of delays is coming to its close. In its place, we are entering a period of consequences. . . . We cannot avoid this period; we are in it now.”
Well at least leave Jesus out of it, won’t ya, Mr. Gore?
Both waves of reform are still at an early stage, but once again, Churchill’s words inspire: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” And that is why it is all the more important to fully appreciate the incredible opportunity for salvation that is now within our grasp. (Emphasis is mine.)
Oh no he didn’t.
Oh yes he did. And in addition to Churchilling and Jesusing, Mr. Gore went right ahead and quotes “American poet Wallace Stevens,” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and The Onion.
Dr. King comes in when Mr. Gore is comparing his crusade to “some of the bleakest hours of the U.S civil rights revolution.” After he compares it to “chattel slavery… the fever of the nuclear arms race… the quickening global recognition of gay and lesbian equality, and indeed… every forward advance toward social progress.” (RELATED: The Assumption Of Al: 3 Reasons Al Gore Is The Greatest Progressive In All The Known World)
We’re beginning to think Mr. Gore is super serious here, people.
Surprisingly, Mr. Gore’s screed doesn’t even manage to cleanly dodge the old snicker that he invented the Internet, combining that great technological leap with his own special flair for bad sentences: “The progressive introduction of Internet-based communication – social media, blogs, digital journalism – is laying the foundation for the renewal of individual participation in democracy, and the re-elevation of reason over wealth and power as the basis for collective decisionmaking.” (Sic.) (OK.) (Whatevs.)
And if the young kids make it 1,301 words in, they’re treated to this little jewel: “Remember the first mobile-telephone handsets? I do; as an inveterate ‘early adopter’ of new technologies, I thought those first huge, clunky cellphones were fun to use and looked cool (they look silly now, of course).”
Oh, what a silly guy he is. (VIDEO: How Al Gore And Sydney Leathers Are The Same)
There’s an acronym going around the Internet these days: “Tl;dr.” Our interns tell me it stands for “Too Long; Didn’t Read.” Mr. Gore should check it out.