In America, soccer’s popularity dips and rises like the stock market. But if Melanie Collins remains a part of it, odds are, your closet is about to house a Clint Dempsey jersey.
Here’s sports’ worst-kept secret: Soccer can be boring. Like, “What’s the nearest utensil I can jam in my eye to get out of this ‘ole, ole, ole-ing’ hellhole before someone munches on my shoulder” boring.
And here’s mankind’s worst-kept secret: Attractive women turn smart guys into cavemen.
Yahoo Sports’ Collins, pictured below with miniature Minotaur Ndamukong Suh, could turn Elon Musk into Barney Rubble.
— Melanie Collins (@Melanie_Collins) June 21, 2014
Make no mistake, in the name of patriotism, I already planned to drape myself in a red, white and blue cape, blare Neil Diamond’s “America” and deep-fry anything with a filling today.
If Belgium bests the U.S. men’s national team now, though, and Collins is replaced by someone who looks prepped for a Cialis commercial, I’m hoarding every Belgian waffle from Sam’s Club and frisbee-ing them, one by one, into the nearest wood chipper.