Apparently not having sex does have an effect on the World Cup: a losing one.
Every team banned from having sex during the World Cup has been eliminated, according to QZ.com. Russia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Chile and Mexico all saw round-robin or first round elimination, probably because they weren’t allowed to fornicate .
In fact, Belgium had a ban for the first three weeks, which means they can celebrate their win over the U.S. on Tuesday with some victory nookie.
Brazil’s players are allowed to have sex so long as it’s not “acrobatic.” It makes sense. Surely they don’t want Alexis Sanchez pulling a hammy trying to do some Kama Sutra.
Two teams’ policies are still unknown, Argentina and Colombia. But it is probably fair to say, based on the evidence, that they’re allowed to score. Who wants to jog around for an hour and a half all backed up? Really, it’s simple science.
As for America, they had no sex restrictions, which easily accounts for their decent showing. And honestly, who could resist Clint Dempsey, starter for USMNT, and part-time rapper?