Americans aren’t just innovators. We’re perfectionists. In honor of the nation’s 238th birthday, here are the top nine things Americans have perfected.
- Waffles and pancakes: Everyone thanks Belgium for their delicious waffles, and by all means, we Americans commend them. But half of the wonder of waffles is the glorious mess you can put on top of it. It’s not just syrup anymore. You can thank Americans for the massive globs of heavy whipping cream, chocolate chips, bananas, walnuts, cheesecake filling and coconut shreds. We’re not fat. We’re happy.
- The art of stair climbing: In the old days, you had to actually walk up stairs. Clearly, humans weren’t created for that kind of hard labor. We went above and beyond the escalator. Behold, the stair lift.
- Lawn mowers: Mowing grass is such a drag, and Americans know that. Lawn mowers were meant to do so much more. There was a need for speed. Before, it wasn’t possible, but now you can mow the lawn at lightning speeds, or if you’re chicken, watch lawn mower races on T.V.
- Coffee: There’s no such thing as regular coffee anymore. We Americans know the coffee world has so much more to offer, and that’s why basically every barista hates us. “Yes, I’ll take a Venti non-fat iced mocha latte with one pump of sugar-free hazelnut syrup, half a pump of peppermint syrup and whipped cream with extra mocha drizzle on top and in the cup. Thanks.”
- Bird-watching: It was once something relaxing and soothing. The chirps of the birds and the beautiful colors would send any nature enthusiast into an idyllic trance. But Americans quickly got bored and hungry. So…
- Tires: Mesopotamian’s may have invented the wheel thousands of years ago, but Americans perfected it. The bigger, the better.
- Football: Civilizations have been kicking around a ball since the beginning of time. Americans felt like God gave them hands for a reason.
- The art of cooking: Forget boiling, sautéing and baking. Americans like good food fast. We’ve discovered that a home cooked meal can be ready in three minutes or less. We’ve found anything can be fried– oreos, chicken wrapped in bacon, bacon wrapped in chicken, bread and twinkies. If it can’t be deep fried or microwaved, it’s not worth it.
- Burgers: There might be no single food that encompasses America quite like the cheeseburger. Of course, Americans have enhanced it with onion straws, thousand island dressing, pickles and a smorgasbord of cheeses. But Americans also went a step further. Meet the glazed doughnut bacon cheeseburger. 100% delicious. 100% American.