Billboard magazine (yes, it still exists) has named their “Song of the Summer” for 2014 – “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea.
The song, for those of you lucky enough to have not heard it, is an audio abortion. To call it a song is to violently rape the memory of every song you remember fondly. There’s no “there” there.
Here are some lyrics:
I said baby, I do this, I thought that, you knew this
Can’t stand no haters and honest, the truth is
And my flow retarded, they speak it, depart it
Swagger on super, I can’t shop at no department
Better get my money on time, if they not money, decline
And swear I meant that there so much that they give that line a rewind
So get my money on time, if they not money, decline
I just can’t worry ’bout no haters, gotta stay on my grind
Now tell me, who that, who that?
That do that, do that?
Put that paper over all, I thought you knew that, knew that
I be that I-G-G-Y, put my name in bold
I been working, I’m up in here with some change to throw
And those are some of the “smarter” lyrics.
Musically, it’s…worse. I know that doesn’t seem possible, but it’s true.
There really aren’t any words that can describe just how awful it is, the best I can muster is this: It sounds like two really high teenagers playing with an old Casio keyboard and freaking themselves out by the noises they’re making.
You have to listen to it yourself to do justice to the muffled, puttering fart that is the “music” behind the fake nasally whine that is Iggy’s voice.
If you find this on anyone’s iPhone you should disown them as soon as humanly possible. They’re the type of person for whom Velcro shoes were invented.
If there’s a silver lining, Billboard reports, “Fancy” is also the second debut hit to earn No. 1 Song of the Summer honors in the last three years, following Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” in 2012.” Let’s hope Iggy follows Carly down the musical memory hole.
That having been said, listen for yourself. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is your “Song of the Summer.”