This week, Buzzfeed editor-in-chief Ben Smith published an email that he sent to his staff informing them of a new diversity-based hiring program that will result in all kinds of new Buzzfeed employees from different kinds of backgrounds. We applaud the editor of the predominately male, nearly 75 percent white publication for his bold statement. In that spirit, we have resolved to do more.
The Daily Caller proudly announces that it is hiring the following types of people — and only the following types of people — within the next two weeks to best serve our readers with as many broad and enlightening viewpoints as humanly possible. Here are the types we need:
Gays: Of course. Gays are delightful. Since the 2012 addition of Daily Caller LGBT editor Patrick Howley, our newsroom has been a veritable pride parade of public-domain Bruce Vilanch one-liners. But we must do more. Our current diversity initiative will expand the rainbow of our LGBT coverage with more karaoke nights, more overpriced drinks, and more photos of blonde women with bad makeup jobs to snarkily assemble around. Please tell all of your gay and bisexual friends to check into the Daily Caller offices on Foursquare. We will have so many gays in this office that some of the new employees won’t even decide to come out until after we’ve hired them. By 2017, we will even realize our long-held goal of creating a new supplementary alt-weekly, “The Gentleman Caller,” to be distributed near Bike Share stations across the city. When people think “Gay,” we want them to think “Tucker Carlson.”
Celebrities: Celebrities are a vital part of the diversity of this country. Now comprising 8 percent of the U.S. population, celebrities are vastly underrepresented in the field of journalism — despite efforts by fame-normative journalists like Wesley Lowery to falsely say that they are celebrities. We don’t need George Clooney here, but please reach out to as many celebrities as you know and see if they’d be willing to come over. Maybe your cousin works with Jeffrey Tambor. Ever see Kato Kaelin at a baseball game once? Do you belong to the same gym as Ryan Seacrest? (If so, also check the category above).
Stupid People: To best ensure that our staff represents the demographic makeup of this great country, we need some stupid people. Real dumbasses. The kind of people you see at Wal-Mart in sweatpants looking at DVD’s of Sandra Bullock movies. Retarded mouth-breathers who toddle around on sidewalks with headphones in, looking down at handheld cell-phone games, spilling Chipotle on their America’s Got Talent T-shirts. People who can’t even name the vice president of the United States. You know, like White House advisers.
The Three-Boob Lady: She’d be great! How many people like that does Politico have?
Alcoholics: We’re not talking meth-heads here. Just a few sweaty guys in undone ties to file stories from the Atlantic City boardwalk at 2 in the morning on a Wednesday. We want the kinds of reporters who forget to pick their kids up from their sister’s. We want journalists who roll into the office in the afternoon with cuts on their face and say “My buddy Bill McMorris and I got lost trying to find the trolley.” We will hire them. But we won’t lend them money.
Midgets: HELL YEAH!
Rich White Men: It seems very few people are acknowledging the worth of rich white men these days. They’re great. Luckily, our friends on Wall Street have plenty of sons who are currently upperclassmen at Deerfield. In our commitment to diversity hiring, we won’t hold their C averages against them.
Italians: This counts as a thing, right?
Plagiarists: As Ben Smith’s publication has nobly demonstrated, you can’t have a reputable news organization without people willing to plagiarize.
Hot Chicks: Last but certainly not least. Certainly not least.
Do you self-identify as a member of one of the categories listed above? If so, please send over your resume and we’ll hire you immediately. If not, go off into the woods and die.
ADDITION:
The Daily Calller has also decided to share the demographic breakdown of our own office, in order to help us improve:
Dudes: More than 10
Non-racial: 3
Post-Racial: 1
Indians: 1, but of the India kind
Transsexuals: Not that we know of
Asians: Yes, please