The Mirror

Charles Johnson Comes Clean About Floor Shi**ing Incident

GotNews editor-in-chief Charles Johnson has come forward to explain a really shitty situation.

On Monday, Gawker’s J.K. Trotter, in a “just asking questions” sort of post, wondered if Johnson had shit on the floor in college, screwed a sheep and/or urinated in an ex-girlfriend’s mouth. Says Johnson: “None of that ever happened.”

But when it comes to the floor shitting incident, we wanted to learn more. So we went straight to the source.

“I discovered the shit,” Johnson told The Mirror in an extensive phone conversation Tuesday.

In either 2009 or 2010 (he can’t recall), he was at Claremont McKenna College when he encountered a friend on the seventh floor of his dorm laying on the bathroom floor. “I walked in and he was sweating profusely and in a pile of his own shit,” recalled Johnson. “I basically helped him get cleaned off.”

He says his friend may have been drunk, but “honestly” doesn’t know.

Somehow the incident quickly exploded into urban legend that it was really Johnson who took a dump on the floor when really, he says, it was his friend, whom he won’t name. He says the guy is successful and he has no desire to hurt him. “Everything has worked out in his life,” he said. “I could very easily expose the entire situation.”

Johnson sees his role as biblical or spiritual: “God put me in his way and I tried to do the right thing.”

But even a Good Samaritan can tire of taking care of someone else’s shit. That following year, Johnson decided to move off campus. “I was tired of taking care of people,” he said. “I had worked at old folks homes back in the day.”

Johnson’s penchant for being a do-gooder doesn’t stop with bathroom poop. He recalls a “minority scholarship guy” from another building who he found in his own vomit in another campus bathroom. Johnson called the ambulance. “I think he had his stomach pumped and went on medical leave,” he said.

Johnson reasons that pubs like Gawker and Deadspin are now shitting on him, but in reality he’s a “boy scout” who basically said naughty things on the Internet. “If people knew what I was like in college, I would get a medal,” he said proudly.

Even so, he admits there have been times when he did not act like a choirboy, which resulted in him getting physically sick. But shitting on the floor? Never happened, he says.

“There have been episodes in my life where I have been sick or out of control,” he said, relaying a specific incident from his past. “When I was in New York City I drank some stuff on an empty stomach, blacked out and woke up on a park bench. I woke up to a hooker taking care of me.”

It touched him deeply. “I want to live in a world like that,” he said.

He didn’t elaborate on how she took care of him.