Satire

The Daily Caller Obtains Brian Williams’s Schedule For The Week

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The Daily Caller has obtained the private schedule of Brian Williams, the “NBC Nightly News” anchor who misleadingly claimed to have been in a Chinook helicopter that came under serious fire in Iraq.

Williams announced on Saturday that he is stepping away from his job of teleprompter reading for an unspecified number of days — probably until he is fired.

He sent a note to his evening news program’s staff explaining that Lester Holt, NBC’s weekend anchor, will fill in while he is off, thus allowing Williams and NBC “to adequately deal with this issue.” (RELATED: Brian Williams Taking ‘Several Days Off’ Amid Scandal)

Williams, who makes $13 million annually according to CelebrityNetWorth.com, now has considerably more flexibility in his schedule.

He certainly appears to be planning to make the most of it.

YouTube screenshot/Chad Pepper

MONDAY

Tanning appointment

Flight to Las Vegas

Join Mile-High Club.

Turn $200 into $20,000 using card-counting method perfected in Macau.

Supreme Court conference call

Rent car. Drive to Reno.

YouTube screenshot/dragonlord1958

TUESDAY

Shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Ski K-12 in Squaw Valley with one ski.

Return to Vegas. (Roll down window to enrich left arm tan.)

Flight from Vegas. Mile High Club again.

Tanning appointment

Capture FBI-Most-Wanted al-Shabab terror recruiter Liban Haji Mohamed.

YouTube screenshot/MOVIECLIPS Classic TrailersWEDNESDAY

Eat 50 eggs.

Accuse Republicans of lying in serious-sounding rant. (Use deep anchor voice.)

Teach advanced chaos theory course.

Kill fresh game (preferably mallard duck) for dinner.

Cooking

Weekly meeting to advise Joe Biden on politics, philosophy, media strategy

Remove own appendix.

YouTube screenshot/Kim SpeakTHURSDAY

Tanning appointment

Complete cinnamon challenge.

Weekly meeting to advise New Black Panthers on politics, philosophy, media strategy

Meeting with so-called crisis management consultants

Call Bill Clinton. Seek real advice.

Ambulance duty at New York-Presbyterian

Don cape, mask and homemade utility belt to fight crime in gritty, urban areas.

YouTube screenshot/Endirekizle.netFRIDAY

Tanning appointment (double session)

BASE jumping

Synchronized swim team practice

Fight Club

Weekly pickup game with Brooklyn Nets

Look for new job just in case things get crazy. (Dan Rather? MSNBC?)

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(Photo credits: YouTube screenshot/Chad Pepper, YouTube screenshot/dragonlord1958, YouTube screenshot MOVIECLIPS/Classic Trailers, YouTube screenshot/Kim Speak, YouTube screenshot/Endirekizle.net)