The Conservative Political Action Conference always gets me thinking about the 1980s, when Ronald Reagan was president.
One of the most popular cartoons of that decade was “G.I. Joe.” The series was about a U.S. special missions force that protected America from Cobra, “a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.”
Back then, ruthless terrorists dressed up in funny costumes but they didn’t saw off people’s heads. Cobra’s plans for world domination included schemes like the weather dominator, which controlled the weather. Trying to control the weather sounds more like liberal climate policies than ISIS. But I digress.
Around the third season or so, some members of the Cobra high command realized their current leader wasn’t getting the job done. So they decided to create a new one. They combed the tombs of Napoleon, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Rasputin, Alexander the Great and a long list of other bad dudes and then crafted a new leader from their DNA.
His name was Serpentor.
Listening to CPAC speeches by various Republican presidential candidates over the years, I’ve often wondered if conservatives need a Serpentor of their own.
No, I haven’t been drinking.
In the cartoon that is my life, conservatives aren’t like Cobra. They are the real America heroes. And we’ve already established that it’s liberals who are trying to build a weather dominator.
But the Republican-controlled Senate blinked on defunding President Barack Obama’s executive amnesty. (What’s going on in the House is too convoluted even for a cartoon.) These same Republicans might be working to save Obamacare subsidies from the Supreme Court.
That’s even assuming Obamacare won’t once again be rescued by a Republican-appointed Supreme Court justice. The evidence that the current conservative Republican leadership isn’t getting it done abounds.
We’re generally anti-cloning on the right. But what if a new leader could be formed with the DNA of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Barry Goldwater and Robert Taft?
Then it occurs to me that conservatives might actually have the opposite problem. There are a lot of current Republican leaders who have some of the characteristics of a past great leader.
Was Ronald Reagan conservatism’s Serpentor?
No, I haven’t been hanging out at the CPAC marijuana event.
Think about it. Scott Walker is the conservative governor of a blueish state who did the 2010s equivalent of firing the air traffic controllers (a comparison he’s made himself).
Chris Christie is a more moderate version of the same.
Ted Cruz gives “The Speech” that reminds conservatives of their rendezvous with destiny.
Marco Rubio gives a version of that speech that might resonate beyond the Republican base.
Rand Paul reminds us that government is the problem and applies that lesson to contemporary problems.
Jeb Bush thinks this is all “voodoo economics,” but he reminds me of a loyal vice president.
If you could mold all them together, you would get an approximation of Ronald Reagan.
Maybe that would be more like other 1980s cartoon characters, like Voltron or Devastator. After all, Serpentor turned out to be a terrible leader, unlike Reagan.
In 2016, Republican primary voters are going to have to settle for one nominee. Not even a neurosurgeon like Ben Carson can design a science fiction technology that will save conservatives from the already available options.
“G.I. Joe” cartoons always used to end with a corny public service announcement. Here’s mine: Donald Rumsfeld once said, “You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time.”
Conservatives must go to #war with the candidates they have, not the candidate they want want or wish to have at a later — or earlier — time.
See you on the other side of the straw poll results. Yo Joe.
W. James Antle III is managing editor of The Daily Caller and author of the book Devouring Freedom: Can Big Government Ever Be Stopped? Follow him on Twitter.