Thursday night’s minor-league Republican presidential debate wasn’t exactly the most exciting exchange of ideas to ever happen in politics.
So, to make things more interesting, we decided to rate all of them as secondary fast-food locations.
Carly Fiorina: In-N-Out Burger
Much like how In-N-Out has sneakily been putting Bible verses on its packaging for years, Fiorina is more Christian and conservative than people think given her California-based business background. Fiornia showed she was surprisingly high-quality in a very competitive GOP market, much as In-N-Out thrives in a tough US burger market. In-N-Out is better than Five Guys, and Fiorina was stronger than at least five of the guys she went against Thursday night.
Rick Santorum: Blimpie Subs & Salads
Rick Santorum is running for president? Again? Why? Didn’t he get the message the last two times he tried this?
C’mon, Rick, it’s time to accept that Republicans are looking elsewhere for their presidential candidates. Similarly, Americans are looking elsewhere for their subs, as Blimpie has lost over two-thirds of its 1,800 locations since the new millennium.
Bobby Jindal: Carl’s Jr.
Carl’s Jr. is also known as Hardees, just like Bobby Jindal is actually named Piyush. Also, Jindal’s focus on social issues will likely give him little appeal in the Northeast, where Carl’s Jr. has no locations.
Lindsey Graham: Cinnabon
Lindsey Graham looks deeply uncomfortable talking about any kind of domestic policy, and would instead like to pound the podium about his plan to send U.S. troops to Iraq, Syria, Iran, and heck, even Carbombya if necessary. Naturally, then, he resonates tremendously with Cinnabon, which has already successfully invaded the entire Middle East with sweet cinnamon gooeyness.
Rick Perry: Whataburger
A solid enough performer, but with limited appeal outside of Texas.
Come to think of it, he may not have much appeal inside Texas either.
George Pataki: Krystal
Pataki asked rhetorically near the debate’s end: With so many other candidates out there, why him? It’s an important question for his campaign that doesn’t have an easy answer for most Republicans.
Similarly, anybody who wakes up in a Krystal parking lot after a bender at 4 A.M. finds themselves asking a similar question: With so many other burger chains out there, why this one?
Jim Gilmore: Wayback Burgers
What, you’ve never heard of Wayback Burgers until I named them in this list? My point exactly.