I don’t watch debates because they’re boring, and all they prove is which candidate is the best at being boring. But some people seem to find them helpful and/or entertaining.
Since tonight’s debate features the Democrats, and it’s on CNN, I don’t think anybody is expecting any tough questions. But what if the debate moderators treated the Dems the same way they treat the GOP?
It’ll never happen, but it’s fun to think about. Imagine hearing questions like these:
- Secretary Clinton, you’ve often been criticized for being a thin-skinned, hostile, unlikable, greedy, inept, utterly dishonest drunkard. I guess I don’t really have a question here.
- Senator Sanders, you’ve publicly stated that Americans don’t need more than one brand of deodorant. And we can all see the state of your hair, even though you knew you were appearing on television tonight. With these things in mind: When was the last time you bathed? And if you have time to answer a follow-up: With soap?
- Good evening, Governor O’Malley. Who are you?
- Sen. Webb and Gov. Chafee, I’ll ask you the same question I asked Gov. O’Malley. You may both respond, or neither. Doesn’t really matter.
- Sec. Clinton, if you’re elected, you’ll be the second-oldest person to be inaugurated President of the United States. If you knew you could get away with it, without any consequences, what would you do to Barack Obama for robbing you of the past eight years of your rapidly dwindling life?
- Sen. Sanders, in your younger days you wrote some pretty creepy stuff about women wanting to be raped. Who would you like to rape, and why?
- Sec. Clinton, on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, what’s your current level of withering disdain for all the obstacles in the way of your rightful place in the Oval Office?
- Sen. Sanders, you’re basically a communist. Why not just admit it?
- Sec. Clinton, there are rumblings that, based on your performance here tonight, Joe Biden may enter the race. What’s your preferred brand of adult undergarment?
- Sen. Sanders, what would happen if you actually won the 2016 presidential election? Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Sec. Clinton, did you get that e-mail I sent you? And a follow-up: When was the last time Bill had sex, and how did you find out?
- And finally, a question for all the candidates in attendance: You’re a bunch of sourpussed old white people who’ve never actually helped anyone but yourselves. Please take turns slamming the only black person running for president, who is literally a brain surgeon.
Have fun watching the debate, guys. I’ll be busy doing absolutely anything else.