Vox Has A ‘Code Of Conduct’ To Make Sure No One’s Feelings Get Hurt

It doesn’t come as that much of a shock that Vox Media has a “code of conduct” for its product team.

If any publication can take the coolness out of media, it’s Vox.

To give you a taste of just how lame it is, they ban words like “soft” and “hard.”

And we’re not talking about penises.

We’re talking ideas. No one should ever feel like their idea is “soft.” And no one should ever have to hear the highly offensive and bullying phrasing of “Well, actually…”

As in, well, actually, your idea stinks, you stink, and you’re a complete idiot and who are you again?

God forbid an adult’s feelings are hurt in the course of a workday.

The whole thing truly gets more puke-worthy with each graph.

Some sentences The Mirror found hilarious:

1. “We want our team to be a fun, productive, and safe space for all members.” (If you have to declare that you want your workplace to be fun, it is not fun. At all.)
2. “We maintain open lines of communication and foster good working relationships—indeed, friendships—with our colleagues.” (If you have to insist that everyone like one another, the hate is palpable.)
3. “We value so-called ‘soft’ skills as much as ‘hard’ skills. That is, we love code, but we recognize that writing code is not the only or most important way to contribute to great products. In fact, we object to the labels ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ inasmuch as they presume one set of skills is more valuable than another. ‘Non-technical’ is not synonymous with ‘inferior.'” (Mandating that employees not use words like “soft” and “hard” screams of losers who can’t handle being told that their ideas are utter shit.)
4. “Go out of your way to include people in team jokes or memes, recognizing that we want to build an environment free of cliques.” (Everyone must share in the utter delight of Matthew Yglesias‘s latest meme.)
5. “Don’t succumb to either impostor syndrome (believing that you don’t deserve to be here) or blowhard syndrome (believing you can do no wrong).” (Can we please have Vox employees assessed by a team of NIH psychologists? They may need medication.)
6. “You are expected to give and receive criticism with grace.” (Eye roll.)
7. “Tone is hard to decipher online; make judicious use of emoji to aid in communication.” (Do not forget to use the African American thumbs up emoji. It’s inclusive, diverse and just plain cool. #BlackLivesMatter activists will love it.)

The best section — by far — is called “Unacceptable Behaviors.” It’s like Georgetown cupcakes and a bad Dave Weigel haircut all rolled into one. In short, Vox employees had better watch their asses where “comments” and “jokes” are concerned:

Discrimination and harassment are expressly prohibited in our employee handbook. Harassment includes, but is not limited to, intimidation; stalking; unwanted photography; inappropriate physical contact; use of sexual or discriminatory imagery, comments, or jokes; sexist, racist, ableist, or otherwise discriminatory or derogatory language; and unwelcome sexual attention.

The company obviously includes “microaggressions” in the handbook. In short, a lot of pussies work here:

Much exclusionary behavior takes the form of microaggressions—subtle put-downs which may be unconsciously delivered. Regardless of intent, microaggressions can have a significant negative impact on victims and have no place on our team.

Hilarious sentences (continued…)

8. “Avoid ‘well, actuallys’—pedantic corrections that are often insulting and unproductive.” (Well, actually, insults can be highly productive. Who remembers a nice, lukewarm correction?)

9. “Make an effort not to interrupt your colleagues while they are speaking.”

10. “Never respond with surprise when someone asks for help.” (For example, “What are you, stupid?” probably wouldn’t fly here.)

Vox has this “especially important” rule: “mansplaining” is expressly forbidden.

Read the entire abomination for yourself here.