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The Deer Hunter

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By Jorge Amselle, Author Gun Digest’s Shooter’s Guide to Concealed Carry

I am a shooter not a hunter but I have been hunting and with a recent land purchase decided to try deer hunting for the first time. The following is all true and nothing has been changed to protect the innocent.

Pre-Hunting. Bought a tree stand at Wal-Mart ($100) and assembled it incorrectly three times. Nearly died trying to get it attached to a random tree. I ended up calling my handyman to help ($60).

Day 1:  I went hunting at 6:30 Saturday morning with my son for the first day of rifle season. We got cold, got bored, lasted one hour, and went home. Saw nothing but two squirrels and they were merry.

Day 2: We Went back to Wal-Mart to buy proper cold weather hunting clothes and boots for both of us ($250). Saw more squirrels AND a chipmunk. No deer. We lasted two hours this time.

Day 3: I sat in the tree stand for four hours. It was a complete bust. I have started naming the squirrels. Dr. Cornelius MD, Professor Julius, Mr. Skipps Esq.

Day 4: I saw actual deer today including one standing right by the tree stand 20 feet away staring at me but it was before legal hunting hours. The rest of the deer I saw did not provide a clean shot. At least this is progress.

Day 5: Still no luck. Tried watching The Deer Hunter but that only made me hungry for Pho and want to play Russian roulette. Thinking of getting one of those life sized foam deer people use for archery practice and just shooting and eating that.

Day 6: Didn’t hunt in the morning because it was raining and deer go home when it rains. I did go hunting in the afternoon and saw nothing. Is it a bad sign if there are several large buzzards circling me? I keep hearing the occasional shot of a successful hunter, taunting me. Headed to Wal-Mart to buy all the deer urine I can find ($30).

Day 7: Lathered myself in deer urine (synthetic) and saw four nice deer and took a shot at one but missed. Really starting to hate the outdoors. This venison is going to be the world’s most expensive meat by the time I get it. It would be cheaper to import beer fed, hand massaged, Wagyu beef from Japan.

Day 8: It is freezing cold and didn’t see a single deer, blame Obama. I am heading back to Wal-Mart for more deer urine and long johns ($60). I am becoming increasingly convinced that hunting is all a scam invented by Wal-Mart to rob me of almost $500 so far.

Day 9: There’s nothing out here. Even the squirrels and the birds have apparently decided to sleep in. I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian.

Day 10: Gloria in Excelsis Deo. Finally, after nearly 30 hours on that tree stand I got one. The secret is to be really hung over. Had to call the handyman to help me gut it (never done it before and another $60). It was extremely disgusting and smelled terrible. I took it to the butcher for processing ($120).

Post Script: Got the meat back (about 40 pounds of it) and the sausage was very good as was the jerky. The meat itself tastes gamy no matter how I cook it and it makes me think of gutting the deer which is not appetizing. My conclusion is that you are better off not knowing where your meat comes from.  Also now that I am done hunting for the season three deer have made camp in my front yard.

Deer Hunter 2

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Jorge Amselle is a certified firearms instructor, writer and author of the Gun Digest Shooter’s Guide to Concealed Carry. He covers all aspects of the industry from military and law enforcement firearms and training to the shooting sports. His blog is at www.gunsntacos.com.

Follow him on Facebook by clicking here.

 

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