You’re currently reading this, which means you have Internet access, which means I don’t have to tell you that today is Earth Day. You’ve been bombarded with it already.
But here’s a little something your moral, ethical, and intellectual betters won’t tell you, as they’re haranguing you about killing the planet by showering too much and leaving your cellphone charger plugged in: One of the founders of Earth Day is an insane murderer.
Ira Einhorn was on stage hosting the first Earth Day event at the Fairmount Park in Philadelphia on April 22, 1970. Seven years later, police raided his closet and found the “composted” body of his ex-girlfriend inside a trunk…
When his girlfriend of five years, Helen “Holly” Maddux, moved to New York and broke up with him, Einhorn threatened that he would throw her left-behind personal belongings onto the street if she didn’t come back to pick them up.
And so on Sept. 9, 1977, Maddux went back to the apartment that she and Einhorn had shared in Philadelphia to collect her things, and was never seen again…
It wasn’t until 18 months later that investigators searched Einhorn’s apartment after one of his neighbors complained that a reddish-brown, foul-smelling liquid was leaking from the ceiling directly below Einhorn’s bedroom closet. Inside the closet, police found Maddux’s beaten and partially mummified body stuffed into a trunk that had also been packed with Styrofoam, air fresheners and newspapers.
Einhorn was just being ecologically conscious. He was saving the planet. Can you imagine all the toxins her corpse would’ve leaked into the earth if he’d been irresponsible enough to leave her in a shallow grave?
Einhorn skipped bail and eluded the cops for decades by hiding in various places throughout Europe. He was finally captured in the late ’90s, and during his trial, he claimed that the CIA killed Maddux because Einhorn knew too much about the agency’s paranormal research. Nonetheless, he got life in prison without the possibility of parole.
And I think we can all agree that it was the right thing to do. Since then, Einhorn has drastically reduced his carbon footprint.
It’s fitting that Tax Day and Earth Day are so close together. First you get your annual reminder that all your money belongs to the government and you should be thankful they let you keep some of it. Then you get your annual reminder of what they’re doing with it.
Happy #EarthDay! Here’s an image of our fragile home in space. Celebrate it with us today: https://t.co/5SMDzJUH06 pic.twitter.com/a0C0XGDeuK
— NASA (@NASA) April 22, 2016
#Hashtags4Gaia
So, have fun being scolded about using gasoline and electricity and all the other modern conveniences that the people wagging their fingers at you will never give up themselves. They can’t feel good unless you feel bad. That’s what Earth Day is all about!