The decapitated head of deputy national security adviser Ben Rhodes was found impaled on a spike in the middle of the White House rose garden on Friday morning.
The head was presented to the White House press corps on a commemorative silver platter hastily procured from the gift shop basement two days after a peace offering of donuts failed to satiate the pale horde. Demands for Rhodes’ blood reached a fever pitch over the weekend after The New York Times published a profile on Rhodes, in which he was quoted as saying White House reporters “literally know nothing.”
The immense rage of the reporters forced Secret Service personnel to bar the tiny press corps office for days on end as the savagery continued to play out. Blood-curdling screams could be heard throughout the night.
“We appreciate what you do,” White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough told members of the press, as he gingerly presented the severed head to the 27-year-old know-nothings.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest then cautiously approached the podium of the White House Press Room with a fearful look in his eyes as he spoke softly into the microphone, “I just want to say that I was 27 once, and I hope that we can now all live in peace and harmony, considering we gave you all health care.”
McDonough and Earnest referred to their time with the media as “press appreciation day.”
Upon receipt of the head, reporters immediately entered a fit of unbridled pandamonium. Laura Rozen of Al-Monitor was witnessed snapping the briefing room’s flag pole in half, placing Rhodes’ head upon it. The press corps then paraded their prize to the White House rose garden, where they placed the head for all the townsfolk to see.
Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic knelt down in front of the impaled head, painting his face with the blood of his fallen foe.
“It is finished,” McDonough said after witnessing the bloodlust.
“I am confident Rhodes would phrase that differently if given a chance,” Earnest said, referring to Rhodes’ gift of creative writing.
“How does being in 40 under 40 feel now, Mr. Rhodes?” one reporter could be heard saying as he flapped his fist in the air, the sun glistening off his shirtless dad bod.
Another reporter posed for a selfie with the beheaded deputy national security adviser for communications and condescension.
White House mascots Bo and Sunny Obama were seen sprinting onto the lawn to lick the blood dripping down from the spike.
Former Secretary of Defense Bob Gates then entered the room with champagne for everyone. “The Blob raises a toast to the vanquished,” Gates said.
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