ALL POINTS BULLETIN:
Be on the lookout for inconsequential U.S. senator, last seen 9:30 PM EDT June 16, walking erratically from Burlington, Vermont studio after refusing to concede loss of Democratic presidential nomination during online video address to supporters.
Suspect described by wife as “74 years young,” by colleagues “as close as you can get to being a legislator without actually doing anything,” and by arithmeticians as “delusional.”
Unkempt appearance, shaggy white hair, smudged glasses. May be wandering aimlessly on state college campus, mumbling to self or to avian “friends” which occasionally light on crown or shoulder. Beware of random ambushing of students in attempt to give them “free education, free healthcare, free birth control and free cannabis.”
Do NOT approach — and, if approached by suspect, do not ask how he intends to pay for free gifts and programs. Easily agitated. Suspect comes from a right-to-kill state. May have been off medication for more than a year.
Do not, under any circumstance, query suspect about “socialist paradise of Venezuela” or make snide remark about Hillary Clinton’s “damn emails.” Do not say anything approximating “Hey, Aqualung, feelin’ the Bern yet?”
Do not respond if suspect begins screaming “Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you remember the big rally we had here six months ago? You were part of the Revolution…you ALL were. Don’t you remember!?”
Not really, Bernie.
What we do remember is Hillary stealing your strawberries and making a duplicate key. She duplicated and co-opted everything you said, Bernie, and it was the key to defeating you. Except she didn’t mean a word of it, Bernie, any more than she means a word of anything she says.
She only agreed to debate you to make it seem like a real contest. That’s why there was no California debate. It wasn’t a real contest anymore, so she didn’t need you, Bernie. You weren’t even a sparring partner. You were a shilling partner. And you didn’t even realize it.
Even worse, you didn’t get paid for it.
You could have gotten $250,000 for every debate, Bernie, if you had only asked the Clinton Foundation for a $2.5 million “communications” grant up front. Chump change considering that Bill got $16 million in mailbox money alone for being “chancellor” of a national chain of diploma mills. (Trump University, eat your heart out!)
The fact is, Bernie, Hillary could not have stayed in the daily news cycle without you. Her campaign would have virtually disappeared and her friends in the mainstream media would have been reduced to gushing about the undocumented seamstresses “she’s fighting for” who make her Mao jacket pantsuits.
Hillary would have gladly written the check, Bernie, and your wife Jane could have started a brand new university, now that the tens of millions in student debt and building costs caused by her presidency have driven Burlington College into insolvency, forcing it to close its doors on May 27th.
Of course, I’m sure that Jane — if no one else — learned a valuable lesson: that you need a low-overhead online university with degree credits for “real world experiences” and majors like “spiritual intentionality” to ensure that you’re “equipping today’s graduates to face the challenges of tomorrow.”
Anyway, Bernie, it’s all water under the metaphoric Burlington Bridge (that quaint little Vermont boondoggle you built when you were mayor that cost nearly a half million in federal funds and was never used).
It all dovetails together so organically, Bernie, and your refusal to acknowledge Secretary Clinton’s victory in your live-streamed speech to the millions in your “movement” was the kind of curmudgeonly chutzpah that will continue to endear you to — well, Bernie….that’s what I need to talk to you about.
You see, Bernie, the kids aren’t going to be sticking around, so it’s hard to get a real handle on things, support-wise. Most of them are really depressed right now because they’re still coming down from that seven-day Ritalin® and Adderall® jag they did to get through finals.
And if they don’t kill themselves, they’ll need to start their summer internships later this week. And, believe me, Bernie, it won’t be that fifteen-dollar-an-hour Xanadu workplace-of-the-future you got them so excited about. (Make a note, though: you might want to add “Internship Justice” to your next speech.)
I know it’s hard to accept, Bernie. You almost did it. You went up against the Clinton machine, just like Freder in Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. You’re a hero, Bernie, a real animated classic!
Unfortunately, though, unlike Dory, the female star in that other animated classic, Hillary isn’t forgetful, Bernie, especially about the month of April when your temporary winning streak caused her some worry and embarrassment, and your unnecessary harping on her Wall Street speeches hurt her “honest and trustworthy” numbers.
You see, Bernie, one person’s “Democratic Socialist Revolution” is another’s “Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.”
So I’d take whatever role Hillary gives you at the convention this summer and be grateful. Just remember that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz does not like onions on her Philly Cheesesteak — and it’s two sugars, no cream.
Timothy Philen is the author of Harper&Row/Lippincott’s “You CAN Run Away From It!” a satirical indictment of American pop psychology. He is currently at work on a latter-day “Walden,” a collection of essays on post-modern American culture.