US

Farmers’ Almanac Crushes Dreams Of Global Warming Zealots With ‘ICE COLD WINTER’ Forecast

Using their “almost 200 century-old [sic] formula,” the editors of the “time-tested and generation-approved” Farmers’ Almanac are predicting a frost-bound, Siberian winter for two-thirds of the United States.

“Return of the Ice Cold Winter” is how the 2017 edition of the famed annual publication characterizes the impending chill, according to a press release.

“Winter is coming!” the Farmers’ Almanac editors announce, as they advise that this year might be a good time to “splurge on a snow blower.” (RELATED: US College Professor Demands Imprisonment For Climate-Change Deniers)

The “amazingly accurate” long-range forecast — starting on page 65 — covers September 2016 through December 2017. It prognosticates “exceptionally cold conditions” for several regions of the United States including the Midwest, the Great Lakes and Middle Atlantic regions, the Ohio Valley, and the entire Northeast.

“February is the month to really be ready for cold conditions,” Farmers’ Almanac editor Peter Geiger warns. “According to our long-range outlook, many places will see downright frigid temperatures this month, some as low as 40 degrees below zero!” (RELATED: NOT THE GINGERS! Global Warming Zealots Now Claim Redheads Will Soon Disappear)

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Ski enthusiasts in New England will be ecstatic with mounds of snowfall as well — though also, presumably, pretty cold.

Parts of the nation will be spared from the hyperboreal chill. Residents in the western chunk of the United States will experience “milder than normal conditions,” the yearly almanac predicts.

Also, the reference book notes, Americans will be able to view a total solar eclipse in August 2017. (RELATED: Professor: Guy HIT BY LIGHTNING And Two Others Possibly Assassinated Over Climate Research)

As usual, the 2017 edition of the Farmers’ Almanac — a special collector’s edition — will feature astronomy, humor, practical advice and the like. Various “throwback” sections will also spotlight articles from old editions including “Advice to Girls” (from 1876) and “How to Quiet a Fussy Child” (from 1878). There’s also some tremendous advice about how to raise chickens.

“What’s really fascinating is a look into how the world has changed, yet how it’s stayed the same,” observes managing editor Sandi Duncan. (RELATED: Doomsday Professor: WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE BY 2040 From Global Warming)

“Accurate long-range weather is what people associate with the Farmers’ Almanac,” Geiger, the editor, added. “Yet, from the start, it has grown into a manual of sorts that can help people live healthier lives. It has been a guide to good living no matter what is going in the outside world.”

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