Many regular people may not realize it, but they are living in extraordinary times. Not only is the world locked in various bloody conflicts while the U.S. engages in one of the strangest election cycles in its history, but, even more ominously: Hitler has returned.
Of course, as we all know by now, there are many Hitlers. For a time George W. Bush was a Hitler, then in 2012 Mitt Romney became a Hitler too. Presently there are many who are convinced that the Billionaire/Reality T.V. Star/Presidential Candidate/Prolific Tweeter Donald Trump is almost certainly a Hitler. Some Conservatives even think that Hillary Clinton might be a Hitler too. But with so many rival claimants to the throne of true Hitlerdom, how is the ordinary, low information voter to know a true Hitler from a false one?
Living as we do, in a great democracy, the answer must assuredly be found in consensus. Fortunately for us, even in a time of historically high partisanship, such a consensus does in fact exist. Democrats and Republicans may disagree on many things but what they do agree on is that Vladimir Putin, the current President of Russia, is, in fact, the real Hitler.
The news gets much worse, however, as it turns out that Putin is not merely Hitler but is also, simultaneously, Saddam Hussein as well. A truly formidable combination. Did I mention he also happens to be Joseph Stalin?
It’s all true, at least according to our professional political class of experts and statesmen. A group of individuals who have worked their hardest to earn the trust and admiration of the American people and whose credibility is certainly not in question.
This super villain, a character that can be referred to simply as “Putler Hussein,” is not only currently wreaking havoc around the world in a mad quest for global domination but also is even meddling to undermine the very foundations of our democratic way of life. Putler despises the freedom and happiness we American’s enjoy, this is why he has decided to to attack us.
Putler Hussein is a bloodthirsty tyrant, whose motives are inscrutable to all but the most senior Kremlin insiders. He is also a strategic genius who has somehow figured out a way to befuddle our Nobel Peace Prize winning President, Barack Obama at every turn.
When faced with such a terrifying and unpredictable foe, only one course of action remains for the true American Patriot: confrontation.
Putler Hussein’s reign of terror started when he illegally seized power in the year 2000 since then he has begun a wave of repression, unlike anything the world has seen since the 1930’s, all political dissidents have been exterminated, and the very act of free thought itself is now considered a crime. Unlike the prosperous decade of the 1990s, which are remembered as a time of carefree happiness, Russians nowadays inhabit what amounts to little more than a frozen hellscape. Under Putler’s iron fist citizens have been forced to abandon their formerly enlightened Western ways in exchange for sad lives of alcoholism and Gulag labor.
Putler, unsatisfied in merely spreading his terror at home, is now presently engaged in helping his ally, the diabolical Bashar Al-Assad (who is himself a bit of a Hitler) in his brutal butchery of his own people. Russian bombs rain down daily on the defenseless innocents of Aleppo, while the world watches and does nothing.
How long can this charade go on? How long will our leaders stay silent about this threat to our way of life? We, as Americans have a responsibility, a responsibility to our children and to our children’s children, and to our children’s children’s children. A responsibility to leave them a world that is a better and more American place than the way we found it.
We also, as Americans have a further responsibility to the other nations with whom we have generously decided to share planet earth with. A responsibility to lead them by example and show them the superiority of our way of life. A way of life which, if only they were properly educated on, they would all surely willing submit to with haste and thanksgiving.
America stands as a lone beacon of morality and freedom in a dark and dangerous world. But every day that goes by that we fail to act to stop the machinations of the evil Putler Hussein that beacon gets slightly dimmer and our honor becomes more and more besmirched.
America must act, and apply maximum force without hesitation or reflection, as has been her proud tradition for decades. Putler is a wily and dangerous foe, but his forces are no match for the vastly superior American Military, whose advanced technological edge will ensure a quick and easy American victory.
So the world watches and waits for America’s decision. Will she shirk her constitutional and God-given responsibility to defend the world’s population from all threats whether foreign or domestic? Or will she instead rise to the occasion and gloriously defeat the Fascist and Communist forces of Putler Hussein? On November 8th, the choice will be up to us, the American people. Let’s hope we choose wisely.
Editor’s note: This is a satirical article.