DC Trawler

Here Are Five Good Reasons Not To Boycott Hawaii

Yesterday a federal judge in Hawaii (which sounds like a sweet gig if you can get it) put a hold on President Trump’s immigration order because it’s not fair to Muslims and stuff. Now the Trumpkin faithful are calling for a boycott of the state. But that would be a mistake, for at least five reasons that come to mind immediately.

  1. Pineapple on Pizza. A lot of people think this culinary delight is an abomination to the very idea of food, but that’s just bigoted nonsense. Are you telling me that if pineapples grew in Italy, they wouldn’t have put ’em on their pizza? Shut up!
  2. The New Hawaii Five-O. No, I don’t watch it anymore either. But millions of people still do, and it’s got the best theme song in the history of television. (You’ve got it running through your head right now, don’t you? You’re welcome.) Plus, the new guy is way better at hand-to-hand combat than Jack Lord ever was. Book ’em… a round-trip ticket to the Aloha State, Danno!
  3. Those Shirts. There are two types of people in the world: People who say Hawaiian shirts are ugly and tacky, and people who are honest with ourselves. Style is never out of fashion. And let’s face it, nobody’s looking at you anyway.
  4. That Episode of The Brady Bunch Where Bobby Triggers an Ancient Tiki Curse and Almost Gets His Entire Family Killed. You couldn’t make a TV show like that today, because people would call it “racist” and “white privilege” and “super-duper racist.” But it taught an entire generation of kids not to mess with other people’s shit. Plus, Don Ho was a straight pimp.
  5. The hula hoop. Y’know. For kids.

If these five reasons not to boycott Hawaii haven’t convinced you not to boycott Hawaii, I give up. Fine, go to Florida instead.