I’m sick and tired of all the haters and losers telling me that society shouldn’t embrace the “dad bod.”
We need to accept that men come in all shapes and sizes, and one of the greatest sizes a man can be is the kind with a little extra cushion around the midsection. As an expert on beauty standards, I understand this trend better than anybody in America. Props to myself for recognizing my own genius.
I have written a lot recently about how plus-size models shouldn’t exist. The massive outrage that followed pointed out the hypocrisy that if “dad bods” — which some on social media said I have — are supposedly popular and acceptable, why are we trying to get rid of fat women models in swimsuits?
Because some double standards are good.
The “dad bod” is a sign of success. It’s the sign of a man who likes refreshing Miller Lights, who has a big dog, whose house smells like rich mahogany and cedar, who enjoys watching football but has no problem breaking down foreign affairs, a man that eats as much red meat as he likes, who enjoys exercising his Second Amendment rights, a man who checks the stocks every morning and whose wife is almost certainly a smoke wearing as little clothing as possible. Come into his house, and she’ll also gladly greet you with a beer.
You see, these are the reasons why a man has a “dad bod.”
He’s too busy dominating the world to worry about exercising. Don’t believe me? Then why does Kenny Powers have a “dad bod?”
Anybody can go to the gym and work out, which makes this obese model thing even more ridiculous, but not everybody can cultivate the perfect dad body. It requires the perfect blend of success, awful diet, lack of attention to fitness and confidence to pull it off. Many have tried to rock this look, and most have failed. Toll booth workers in Jersey with dad bods don’t pull down models. Legitimate models, I mean, not these obese models everyone calls brave.
Personally, it has taken me 25 years to get my body where it is today, and I’m still not where I need to be. Am I perhaps a little out of shape? Sure, but I have a long ways to go until I get that perfect belly for the “dad bod.” Still, when my peers look at me they probably say to themselves, “There is a man who has it all figured out, never goes to the gym and is rocking that belly like a champion.”
Little do they know it’s not nearly as easy as I’ve made it look, but I persist.
We must embrace this mindset if we ever hope to defeat the terrorists. My spirit, the one that drives my thirst for the perfect “dad bod,” is the same spirit that beat the Japanese. I’m sure people will want to say this is a double standard, and you bet your ass that it is.
There is, however, a method to this madness. Anybody can get fat and then throw on a bikini. Literally anybody can do it. This is why we must shun obese models. It’s not impressive. On the flip-side, how many people can combine all the proper elements to bring out the perfect “dad bod”?
I was considering different ways to combat the double standard, which I am clearly OK with, when I was presented with a bit of wisdom from a source.
“Adam made Eve. Men have done enough for women by bringing them into existence. It’s the least we could do to try and look good,” I was told by my source, whose identity I am protecting at all costs out of fear of an internet backlash.
I’m not going to come out and endorse her statement because then I’d be a biased journalist. I’m just presenting the facts as they were given to me.
I don’t have the answers to everything when it comes to beauty standards, but I do know this: I’m sick and tired of people who support obese models in bikinis, and I hate people who shame those of us working around the clock to get the perfect “dad bod.”