There Is Nobody Worse Than ‘I Hate Sports Guy’

David Hookstead | Reporter

There might be nobody worse on the planet than people who go out of their way to let everybody know how much they hate sports.

Sports are a beloved part of American — nay WORLD — culture.

We dominate at everything that involves competition, so why would sports be any different? However, there is always that guy everybody knows, who goes out of his way to let everybody know how much he hates sports. I hate the “I hate sports guy.”

He’s a cancer that should be eradicated from the fabric of our society. There is no place for those who feel the need to go out of their way to ruin other people’s good times. You don’t want to watch sports? That’s fine, but don’t talk down to the rest of us.

(Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

DETROIT, MI – AUGUST 18: Matthew Stafford #9 of the Detroit Lions drops back to pass during the first quarter of the preseason game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Ford Field on August 18, 2016 in Detroit, Michigan. (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

“I hate sports guy” is the guy who gets invited to a Super Bowl party by a friend, and then spends the next three hours lecturing people about how there are more important things than sports. The closest I ever came to committing murder was during a Super Bowl party a few years ago. A guy I didn’t know wouldn’t stop lecturing me about race relations in football. It was awful.

“I hate sports guy” drinks his weird coffee drinks, and then turns around to judge us for drinking Miller Lite during a tailgate. Keep your beta-male frappuccinos, and I’ll stick to my beer.

He’s a guy who constantly brings up how football should be banned because it’s a “dangerous” sport. He’s a guy who has virtually no friends, but somehow still decides to annoy everybody who gets near him when it comes to sports. He’s a guy who would rather go to a broadway production than a college football game.

You know who really hates this clown? Attractive women.

Attractive women are drawn to sports. It’s science. However, nobody ever told that to “I hate sports guy.” He thinks he’s impressing the ladies when he spits pointless knowledge about topics nobody cares about. Hot women are looking for the guy who can break down the quarterback competition during summer camp. They’re not looking for somebody to explain how much more of an intersectional feminist he is than you.

Ultimately, this guy is doomed for failure. All we can hope to do is expedite the process and maybe buy him a plane ticket out of this sports loving country.

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