World

Switzerland’s New Law Is What Separates Good Countries From Great Ones

REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Jena Greene Reporter
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Sometimes, the human race stumbles across a piece of groundbreaking information that changes history forever. What nations then decide to do with this new information is what separates the good countries from the great ones.

Boiling lobsters is one of those things. According to a recent study by the Journal Of Experimental Biology, lobsters can feel pain, so boiling them alive is not likely to be an enjoyable experience for said crustaceans. So Switzerland, also known as the country that was too weak to stand up to the Nazis, is also now too weak to boil lobsters alive. It is now illegal to boil lobsters alive or to transport them on ice in the pastures of Switzerland.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Switzerland seems like a fine place to visit. It’s got rolling green hills, crystal clear lakes, and from what I’ve been told, beautiful snow capped mountains that seem nice for skiing. They even produce some pretty respectable chocolate.

But those things don’t win wars.

You know what wins wars? Brute strength. Fearlessly emptying ammo into the enemy like there’s no tomorrow. Movie theaters with the seats that recline all the way back. Skyscrapers. The internet. What do all of these things have in common? They’re American.

What else is American? A fresh Maine lobster roll on the Fourth Of July. America can never settle for day-old lobster on our Independence Day, or any other day for that matter. We can’t afford to let our status as a great country slip.