It Should Be A Crime To Watch Olympic Hockey Sober

David Hookstead | Reporter

The Olympics are in full-swing and there’s no reason to not be chugging beer while hockey is on.

Now, the USA’s men’s team doesn’t take the ice until Wednesday, when they will face down Slovenia. We’ll probably win by about a billion.

The 2018 U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey Team! #TeamUSA

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That’s not the important thing here. No, the important part is that we have a little more than two days to stock up on beer. There is no excuse to ever watch a hockey game without a little alcohol in the system, and there’s damn sure no excuse to ever do it during the Olympics.

After all, the Olympics is when the whole world gets together to remember that the United States of America is better than everybody else. It’s a tradition we partake in every two years.

You’d have to be a lunatic to watch Team USA sober, and lunatics belong locked up. We simply can’t have people that weird running around in society. It’s a danger to all of us.

We’re playing Russia Saturday, and I’ve already set in motion a series of events that should result in an epic night. I want to be nice and buzzed when we come to dominate. Once we win, which we will, then the real party starts. You’re not drinking that beer for you. You’re doing it for all the players on the ice. You’re not drinking that beer because you want to get trashed. You’re drinking that beer for America. It’s a heroic and selfless act.

Now get pumped, get some beer and get ready to watch us win our first gold medal since 1980.

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