Does The USA/Russia Game Being In The Morning Throw A Wrench In Our Drinking Plans?

David Hookstead | Reporter

Turns out I was wrong when I thought Russia and the USA were facing off Saturday night.

They’re actually playing at 7 am EST, and that has lots of people feverishly asking if that’s going to throw a wrench in my patriotic drinking decree.

I’ve wrestled with this question ever since a co-worker informed me of the horrific news. How had I been so foolish to get the time wrong? I have spent the past few days looking towards this game. I figured I’d crush a billion beers during the game, and then hit the bar to try and snag a young female hockey fan. We could bond over whether or not Mark Johnson was the main reason we defeated the USSR in 1980.

I’m now at a crossroads, and I’m asking myself what I should do. There is much confusion going on right now.

I could choose to take the easy road. I could choose to sleep right up until game time, watch the game and not get rowdy. That would be what most mere mortals would do, but I’m no normal mortal hockey fan.

No, I will do what most men could never dream of accomplishing. I will be drinking beer before the sun is even up Saturday morning. Do I want to do this? No, but the Olympics isn’t about what I want. It’s about what’s good for America, and being sober for Olympic hockey is very bad for America.

Some might say this is a foolish endeavor. They will tell you tall tales about how you drinking doesn’t actually impact the game. Ignore these voices. They’re losers who haven’t won anything in their lives.

After every single beer I finish I plan to just play Herb Brooks “Again” on repeat.

Remember, this isn’t about me and it’s not about any of you. This is about something much bigger. The game against Russia is about freedom, doing what is right and letting the world know that we don’t back down to anybody, especially to a bunch of Russians.

So, I won’t be taking the easy road out. I’ll be getting drunk in the name of the red, white and blue. I’ll let the history books decide what type of impact on my legacy this selfless action will have.

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