Matt Labash - Page 3
ColumnistHi, welcome to “Ask Matt Labash.” I’ll be your host, Matt Labash. The idea for this column – if idea isn’t too strong a word – is that it is not a column at all. Rather, it’s a conversation. One in which I do ninety-five percent of the talking. If you did most of the talking, you’d have to watch my eyes go dead and my attention wander until it was my turn to talk again. So trust me, it’s better this way.<br /> <br /> For those unfamiliar with me from my day job at The Weekly Standard, I’ll give you a capsule bio by way of introduction: I have the gift of wisdom. Does that sound arrogant? I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention. I didn’t choose wisdom. It chose me. If I had my druthers, I’d have chosen another gift, perhaps the untold riches of Lil’ Wayne, whose teeth are made of actual diamonds, or to be the sexiest man alive, like Rachel Maddow. But wisdom is what they gave me, so wisdom is all I have to give back to you.<br /> <br /> This is not, you should know, a mere advice column. If you need advice, I’ll give it. But the only rule here is that there are no rules. You can ask me a question about anything that’s on your mind: current events, pop culture, media, theology, string theory, fishing tips, wicker repair. The only limits we have are those of your imagination. And those of my knowledge base. Which is considerably limited, truth be told. So try not to ask me anything that requires research. Though they tell me I have access to Google on this computer if we need it.<br /> <br /> If all goes according to plan, ours will not be a traditional writer/reader relationship. It’s more complex than that. I might empathize or cajole. I might educate, instruct, or inspire. I might pretend to answer your question while actually reporting you to Social Services, since you’re a dangerous person who should not have contact with children. I might tell you to climb up on my shoulders, that you’re not heavy, you’re my brother. Or I might tell you that you are heavy, and that you should hop down until you lose a few pounds. I might just sidle up behind you, put my big strong man hands on the small of your back, and whisper in your ear the words of the poet, Kenny Rogers: “We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow?”<br /> <br /> To which you’ll say something like, “I can’t, I’ve got to go home and wash my hair.”<br /> To which I’ll say something like, “Shhh. We’ve got tonight babe, why don’t you stay?”<br /> Wherever this takes us, our journey begins now:<br /> <br /> <i>Matt Labash is a senior writer with The Weekly Standard. His first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fly-Fishing-Darth-Vader-Evangelical/dp/1439159971">Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys</a> will be published next month by Simon & Schuster.</i>
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXX: A screed against male tears, the magic of Mom Jorts, and Lady Gaga’s tailor
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXIX: How to deter Mormon missionaries, reader frustration, the evils of chicken abortion
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Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXVIII: Eleven steps to become a journalistic guru, and brother vs. brother: Jim Treacher unmasked
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OPINION
Ask Matt Labash Vol. XXVII: An anti-tattoo manifesto, letting kids be kids, and playing the deaf card
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Ask Matt Labash Vol XXVI: Dark secrets revealed, the moral failure of fly tying, and travels with the Jo Bros
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OPINION
Ask Matt Labash Vol XXV: New York Times doubters, gay-marrying your brother, and somebody’s watching you
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OPINION
Ask Matt Labash Vol XXIV: Obama vs. Rangel smackdown, show business for ugly people, and a fly rod buyer’s guide
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OPINION
Ask Matt Labash Vol XXIII: Khaki-suited bum fighting, limp-wristed fly casting, and how to make a sandwich
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Ask Matt Labash Vol XXII: Journolist dreams, reader penalty box, and stealing Dear Prudence
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Ask Matt Labash Vol XXI: Shooting dangerous game, fighting Jim Treacher, and why you should ignore advice columnists
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OPINION
Ask Matt Labash Vol XX: Man-boob baring Russians, cheese-thieving critics, and draft Tucker Carlson for President
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Ask Matt Labash Vol XIX: Massages with Michelle Obama, and shaking war booty out of Afghanistan
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XVII: Run for the border, reading recommendations and birthers for Tucker
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XVI: Late night wars, vote for Greg Gutfeld and whither Pussy Per Se?
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XIV: Tetris addiction, jaded icons, and Mary Ann and Ginger underwear mash-ups
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XIII: Sexual decathletes, smelly friends, and ‘bagging’ a prom date
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XII: Muslim Mad Men, boastful gluttons and treating the runs
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. XI: Red Chinese, Kid ‘N Play, and Very Special Guest Star Willie Geist
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. X: Indecent proposals, faux Frenchmen and VAT-paying Teabaggers
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. IX: Meat-tinis, funemployment and the death of journalism
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Ask Matt Labash, Vol. VIII: Chafing, tinfoil hats, and Bieber fever
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. VII
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. VI
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. V
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. IV
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Ask Matt Labash: Special collector’s edition
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. III
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Ask Matt Labash: Vol. II
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Welcome to Ask Matt Labash