Ensure years of psychotherapy for your child in one easy step

Renee James Contributor
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One of my favorite sensations on earth is the feeling I get while holding a newborn baby, with that precious child’s head snuggled right up against my neck and an entire person resting on me.  There are few feelings that compare to it.

Which is why I’m so very sorry to tell you this.  If you’re like me, I’ll bet you never imagined you could come across one single product that could simultaneously accomplish the following: highlight a mother’s (and perhaps a father’s) own pathetic self-esteem issues after experiencing the miracle of birth and becoming the (semi) proud parents of a baby girl, while at the same time begin to tear away at the non-existent sense of self that baby girl hasn’t even begun to develop, and, as a bonus, create a hideous-looking alien infant creature that will quite possibly make you gag when you see it.  (I did.)

You would be wrong about that.  That product exists and has legions of fans.  I give you: baby bangs!  (The exclamation point is part of the name.)

Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like – maybe even worse.  Read on; and when you feel like you can stomach the visuals, go to the website: babybangshairband.com.  You may – no, you will – regret it but you won’t forget it.

I can’t explain this any better than the company’s website does:  “Baby bangs! were created for baby girl’s [no, I can’t explain the apostrophe], who have little or no hair, to enhance their natural beauty.”  They are “exquisite and gorgeous” and make the perfect choice for “casual or dressy” occasions.  They’re scented with rain (?) and fresh flowers.

Let’s be clear, shall we? These are wigs.  Designed specifically for infant girls.  I don’t care what they call it, these are wigs that parents cap on their baby daughter’s head, to “enhance her natural beauty.”   Each one comes beautifully packaged in a “tiny drawstring gift pouch” complete with “styling comb, placement booklet and easy care instructions.”  They’re not made of real hair; they use Kanekalon, which is “the highest quality and most natural looking man made fiber available.”  Well, that’s a relief.

I’m not one to quibble with the combination of art and marketing that goes into creating a compelling sales pitch but how can something be perfect for both casual and dressy occasions?  What, exactly, are examples of a casual occasion vs. a dressy occasion for an infant?   And, most important, why does a newborn baby need to enhance her natural beauty?

Don’t worry:  this is not a short-term investment.  Your gorgeous little princess will not outgrow her babybangs! too soon. According to the FAQs online, toddlers can wear them too, with adult supervision. [I’m not sure what that means – maybe you also purchase a baby-caliber stun gun to use when she looks like she’s about to pull it off her head.]   I can only assume using babybangs! beyond infancy is recommended if your toddler daughter has not yet grown her own shiny, soft locks that are ready for primetime.  But the FAQs also include some rules: don’t let your little girl sleep in her babybangs!, do not leave her unattended while wearing them, and don’t curl them with a hot iron.

Just a few thoughts spring to mind.  I wonder what kind of parents – read: mothers – decide their daughters are somehow lacking and need wigs to complete their infant “look.”  The level of insecurity and interest in appearances someone possesses in order to believe this is a great idea must know no bounds.

And why should girls have to wait until adolescence to begin having those inevitable feelings of insecurity?  I’m horrified to think about how many years of therapy a baby will need in twenty years when she looks at baby photographs and realizes her parents neither cherished nor did they love her baby-like qualities (like her almost bald newborn head), to the point where they placed a wig on her to present her to the world.

I’ve said it before but this time I mean it: we’re doomed.  This is the exact opposite of having to identify just one honest man in Sodom to save the city from destruction.  If even one parent on the planet appreciates and values baby bangs!, that’s one too many.

Renee A. James is a freelance writer. She is never at a loss to discuss the headlines or any of the numerous topics that mystify her on a daily basis. Read more on her blog, It's not me, it's you, found at http://reneeaj.blogspot.com.