DC Trawler

Some people really like pandas, and by 'people' I mean 'complete lunatics'

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State of the Union? Super Bowl? Who gives a crap! It’s all about the pandas, baby.


US-born panda cub Tai Shan will next week leave the National Zoo in Washington and head in grand style for a new life in China — on board a Federal Express cargo plane, officials said.

On the morning of February 4, Tai Shan will have a police escort to Dulles international airport where he will board a FedEx jet specially decked out for the occasion with a 40 foot by 40 foot (12 x 12 meter) emblem of a panda painted on either side of the cockpit.

Tai Shan is also known as “Butterstick” because that’s how big he was when he was born. This is kind of like nicknaming your baby “Pot Roast.”

It turns out there’s a whole pandacentric subculture I didn’t even know about. People love the not-so-little fella so much, they’ve gotten panda tattoos and started panda support groups and all kinds of not-at-all-normal stuff. Gaze in wonder at this sample page from something called Pandas Unlimited, which I think is supposed to be written in the voice of the panda:

We wuv you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope Tai Shan’s crate falls out of the plane and lands in the Pacific Ocean and sinks and he dies and everybody cries. Is that mean?

P.S. Panda Express should serve actual panda. Kung Pao Panda. And then a lightning bolt should hit the Pandas Unlimited-organized picket line.

P.P.S. Pandas are fat idiots who don’t even know how to have sex. Tai Shan should choke on some bamboo. I don’t know why I’m overcome with such virulent hatred of pandas all of a sudden. You guys need to report me to the PADL (Panda Anti-Defamation League).

P.P.P.S. Pandas are communists. That’s why they can’t breed, because their sex-ed programs are state-run and centrally controlled and completely inept. They’re also smelly and ugly. And fat. Did I say fat already? I’m saying it again. Fat, stupid, sexless, foul-smelling socialists. The panda is the Michael Moore of the animal kingdom.


Boooooo!! You suck!!!

P.P.P.P.P.S. I hope Tai Shan reads this, and I hope he cries, and I hope somebody collects the tears and sells them on eBay for major bucks. Just kidding, panda tears are as worthless as the rest of the animal. And everybody knows pandas can’t read English. Click here for more facts about pandas. If you can handle it.

Jim Treacher