S.E. Cupp’s Diary: The etiquette of oversharing

S.E. Cupp Contributor
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Every day, someone sends me a puzzling e-mail in which he tells me what he’s had for breakfast. And it’s not within the context of a larger narrative, or because I’ve asked him what he eats for breakfast, or to agitate some kind of Hegelian dialectic—nor is it particularly friendly. It’s simply declarative: “Today I had a corn muffin.” Or, “Today I had a Spanish Omelet.” I’m not sure if this is his attempt at engaging me—does he want to know what I had for breakfast? Or if it’s just his way of documenting his eating habits. In any case, it just isn’t the kind of information with which I can do anything of real consequence. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I keep them all.

I’ve decided David Paterson, de facto governor of New York, is either a terrible person, or batshit crazy. And I’m not talking about those persistent rumors of a sex scandal, or even the latest revelation involving one of his top aides and the state police. I’m talking about his unfathomable decision to run for governor, and what it might say about his state of mind. His approval is at a dismal 26 percent. In a potential primary against Andrew Cuomo, 23 percent of Dems said they’d support Paterson, while 70 percent prefer Cuomo. Paterson is so disliked, that a turnout of a mere 200 people at a campaign event was considered really, really good. An honest and altruistic public servant (and a smart man) would realize he’s just wasting time and money, and back out for the good of the state. Paterson’s overweening ego and/or severe clinical psychosis almost makes Rod Blagojevich look balanced. Either way, his inexplicable decision to run is the best reason not to vote for him.

CPAC was great, as always, but fairly daunting this year thanks to the new crop of tween conservative wunderkinds coming up behind me. Jonathan Krohn—”Atlanta’s Most Talented Child,” Human Events columnist and CPAC 2009 star—was there with his mom, signing books, taking pictures, and networking like a pro. Connor Lanser, also 14, hosts his own Blog Talk Radio show, is working on a book, and serves as the youth outreach coordinator for Ed Lynch for Congress 2010. These kids are so creepy-smart, so creepy-ambitious, so creepy-adorable, I am legitimately worried for my career. You don’t know pressure until a 14-year-old tells you to re-read “Road to Serfdom.” Because I’d like to stay on their good side, I agreed to do this with both Connor and Krohn.

Twitter was abuzz during yesterday’s health care summit, particularly when Max Baucus spoke, resulting in some truly hilarious tweets:

@CalebHowe The thing about watching Baucus on TV is you keep waiting for him to pull out the axe and say “here’s johnny!”

@jimmiebjr: Max Baucus looks really happy for a guy polling worse than scrofula.

@RichLowry: that drunk controversy from a mo or 2 ago is now settled. baucus just has a very halting way of speaking

@MelissaTweets Max Baucus: “We basically agree.” | Um, no we don’t.

@DavidCornDC I can tell Baucus is talking. His lips are moving. But I can’t hear anything. Do I need to see a doctor?

@DanFosterNRO Baucus is such a dork. I mean that in a nice way.

Harry Reid is proof that Democrats don’t think very highly of you. His bizarre mention of a study that linked domestic violence and unemployment was meant to frighten you: Your man’s gonna beat you if we don’t get him a job soon. (Because all men are inherently violent Neanderthals.) Liberals like Reid actually think they can get you to believe that you need the Democrats to survive. You are simply too dumb, too broken, too disadvantaged and too hapless to live without their “big ideas,” which have also included welfare and affirmative action. So run, soon-to-be-battered women, into the arms of Harry Reid. Because he will save from certain death, one $15 billion jobs bill at a time. Oh, and on a similar note, at the health care summit Rep. Louise Slaughter said that we need government-run health care because one of her constituents had to wear her dead sister’s teeth.

It’s been a great couple weeks if you really wanted to see a few sportscasters totally implode. It’s like something out of that new movie “The Crazies.” NBC’s Mike Milbury calls the Russian hockey team Euro-trash after a loss to Canada in Vancouver. Tony Kornheiser is suspended for talking about his ESPN colleague Hannah Storm’s 50-year-old “sausage casing” arms. And golf analyst Charlie Rymer actually did this after Tiger Woods’s press conference apology. Is it just me, or wouldn’t it be kind of awesome to see these three guys on an Animal Planet reality show, like “Locked In a Room: Three Guys in Meat-Suits and a Mountain Lion”?

So I did “Red Eye” the other night with Andrew WK, and after Greg complained that his glasses were dirty, Andrew says: “You cleaned them with a Whopper.” Permission to ROFL.

I want to write a book for kids in which I translate “adultisms,” because I don’t believe kids should be lied to. Here are some initial workings:

Adultism: “Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling.”

Translation: “Mommy and Daddy only have 5 minutes a month to have sex now that you’re (ALWAYS) around so sometimes it’s clumsy and perfunctory. They used to be much better at this.”

Adultism: “Daddy’s just acting silly.”
Translation: “Daddy had too much Southern Comfort at his office party, and got that gash on his head when he tried to flush a parking meter.”

Adultism: “Grandpa’s in heaven.”
Translation: “Grandpa had stomach cancer that started in his mucosa and spread to his serosa, eating away at the outer layer and eventually spreading to his lymph nodes. He was buried in the least expensive coffin your mom and dad could afford because he was kind of a bastard.”

Do we think this has potential or is it probably a career-ender?

S.E. Cupp is co-author of “Why You’re Wrong About The Right,” (Simon & Schuster, June 2008). Her second book, “Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity“ comes out in April 2010. She is a columnist for the New York Daily News and a regular guest on “Hannity,” “Larry King Live,” “Fox & Friends,” “Geraldo,” “Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld,” and others.