Massa of his domain: Political intrigue and tickling

Ron Hart Ron Hart is a libertarian humorist and author who can be reached at Ron@RonaldHart.com.
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“In the Navy,
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the Navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease…..
In the Navy, in the Navy, in the Navy”

—The Village People

Politicians often make my job easy. Now we have the curious case of former Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.) and tickle champion. In a city full of accomplished liars and reprobates like Washington, D.C., Massa has managed to distinguish himself as one of the best.

Eric Massa became the New York Democratic Party’s biggest political embarrassment in weeks. Even in our TMZ-era of politics, Massa lowered the awkwardness threshold. This latest scandal follows on the heels of Gov. David Paterson’s forced step-aside after rumors his office was rife with graft, corruption, drug use and inter-office casual sex. On the positive side, Paterson’s staffers were never late for work.

Remember, Paterson himself followed Eliot Spitzer, who resigned after it was revealed that he was a hooker enthusiast. Had these charges against Massa not surfaced so early, he was a shoe-in to be the next governor of the Empire State since they are plowing through them at a record pace. In short, that bastion of liberal Democrats, New York, which is Obama’s vision for us, is on a roll.

Eric Massa’s bumbling replies to accusations that he groped male staffers, whom he lived with, achieved a CNN first: he made Larry King appear the most lucid one in an interview.

In fairness to Massa (and as he is quick to point out), the alleged groping took place on his 50th birthday.  For all you frugal male friends of Massa who don’t know what to get him for his 51st birthday, you can’t go wrong with letting him tickle you for an hour. Others of you may want to join me in getting him a cake and asking Senator Larry Craig to pop out of it.

Massa also told the media, while dodging the question himself, to “ask his wife if he was gay.” I am no political strategist, but I would imagine after years of marriage she is probably in on this gig. I did some rare research and determined that Eric Massa has fathered two children with his wife: one right after the Burt Reynolds semi-nude centerfold came out in Cosmo magazine, and the other shortly after Scott Brown’s magazine photo appeared in1982. It was then that Massa got interested in politics, with particular attention to polling his constituents.

Per interviews, Massa spent several vividly memorable years “on a ship with 10,000 men.” Massa probably left the Navy after his dream of being a Rear Admiral was crushed; he learned that it was an actual high-ranking command position.

Nanny “Swamp Boss” Pelosi was slow to react to the Massa situation, citing an ethics investigation. The Democrats have had ongoing “ethics investigations” into both Massa and Charlie “Weekend at Benefactors” Rangel. Pelosi found it hard to act on the ethics investigations, since not a trace of actual ethics has been uncovered.

To Pelosi, who represents transvestites and dominatrix’s interests in her San Francisco district, accusations against Massa probably seem like a Norman Rockwell painting to her.

Maybe Pelosi can use Massa to tickle terrorists for information instead of the method she abhors, water-boarding. It would fit right in to her oh-so cute stance on national defense.

I wonder if Rahm Emanuel-Lewis and the Democrats would have outed him if Massa had agreed to vote for ObamaCare?  I too wonder if Rahm had not walked up to him naked in the Congressional shower and blasted him for his vote would we have even heard about this? Talk about knowing your target and working the swing vote! Clearly the accomplishments of Barney Frank, pushing sub-prime loans and removing the curtains from the men’s shower, will weigh heavy on history if ObamaCare passes.

I admire Rahm’s moxie and wish he was on the right side of the issues. I just don’t think our Founding Fathers envisioned votes swayed while two men were naked. But then again, they did wear silk pedal-pusher Capri pants and frilly shirts.

Like Eliot Spitzer, I predict Massa will make a comeback. He might plead the case that he was fiscally conservative while in Congress and saved the country money on bookmarks by bending over pages.

A syndicated libertarian op-ed humorist, Hart’s columns appear in 40 papers nationwide. His recent book is available on Amazon or at www.RonaldHart.com. His email is Ron@RonaldHart.com