Crystal ball: America joins the ‘Deem’ Team

Bob Maistros Chief Writer, Reagan-Bush '84 campaign
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March 21, 2010 – Barack Obama signs landmark health care reform after it is enacted by Congress, despite overwhelming disapproval on the part of the public and unanimous Republican opposition, by means of a complex legislative “solution:” the bill passed by the Senate last December was “deemed” to have been approved by the House when it OKed a rule to consider a budget reconciliation bill amending the Senate bill. The reconciliation bill was then whisked through both Houses and submitted to the President. “We did what we had to do to achieve the long-time dream of making affordable health care a right for all Americans,” comments Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

April 15, 2010 – Twenty million Americans inform the Internal Revenue Service that they “deem” their taxes to be paid, and in fact, will suspend withholding because they deem their next decade of obligations to be satisfied as well. “We’re doing what we have to do to achieve our dream of freedom from the long arm of the IRS,” says one erstwhile taxpayer.

May 1, 2010 – Two million drivers across the United States challenge speeding tickets, declaring that they had “deemed” their cars to be driving under the speed limit. States one driver, “We’re doing what we need to do to achieve our dreams of making unlimited speed a right for all Americans.”

June 3, 2010 – Fifty million Americans inform their lenders that they “deem” their mortgages to be paid off. “We’re doing what we need to do to achieve our dreams of the right to a really big house for nothing,” declares one homeowner.

July 31, 2010 – One-hundred million Americans have run up the balances on their credit cards to the maximum while “deeming” their balances to be be zero. “Like, hey, it’s really cool to be able to achieve my dream of the right to get a really smokin’ outfit whenever I want,” explains one consumer.

Sept. 10, 2010 – Millions of schoolchildren are skipping class and leaving homework assignments undone, declaring that they have “deemed” themselves to have straight As. “Yo, I’m just doing what I need to do to realize my dream of getting on the honor roll and being accepted into college without actually doing any work,” a student elaborates.

Nov. 2, 2010 – Voters nationwide flock to the polls to “deem” Democratic control of Congress at an end. Avers one voter, “They said all they wanted was an ‘up-or-down-vote.”

Bob Maistros was the chief writer for the Reagan-Bush ’84 campaign, a former Senate subcommittee counsel and a longtime public relations advisor for companies ranging from AOL to MTV to XM Satellite Radio. He now offers biting satire based on insights gathered at the front lines of headline-making corporate crises, political contests and the culture wars.