(To the tune of “Call Me Irresponsible”)
Call me Justice Stevens and find out when he’s leavin’.
I’m gonna really have to prepare.
Must keep the Court’s balance, and remember
We’ll have only one shot before November.
Call me Rahm Emanuel and
Holder, if you can, we will
Need to find a center-left choice.
Someone liberal-leaning who won’t get the right screaming:
That’s whom I’m gonna have to pursue.
Susstein and Pam Karlan just won’t do.
Call off Deval Patrick, and cross off all the Catholics
A centrist Protestant might be good.
We have checked off “woman,” “Hispanic,”
And these health care polls have me in a panic.
Call out Mitch McConnell and demagogue McDonnell
This “slavery” thing is very well-timed.
Let’s go stick a fork in ‘em, and start reverse-Borkin’ ‘em
That’s how we can inoculate.
A fight will be more Tea Party hate.
Call Elena Kagan and let her know I’m beggin’,
She knows what conservatives like.
Showed she gets their Believers’ piety:
Made friends at the Federalist Society.
No way I’ll call Hilly, you know that would be silly;
Right now we can’t have a lightning rod.
No judges like Garland, appellates are appallin’:
An officeholder, saith Leahy.
So how ‘bout one more first? I’ll pick me!
Bob Maistros was the chief writer for the Reagan-Bush ’84 campaign, a former Senate subcommittee counsel and a longtime public relations advisor for companies ranging from AOL to MTV to XM Satellite Radio. He now offers biting satire based on insights gathered at the front lines of headline-making corporate crises, political contests and the culture wars.