DC Trawler

Ask Matt Labash why friends must be so cruel to one another

Font Size:

Here’s one of the questions Matt answers this week:

Dearest Matt, one of my very best friends stinks to the point where I don’t want to be around him anymore. How can I tell him about the odor issues without hurting his feelings? Please help. Many thanks. — Johanna

It’s a little late to worry about hurting my feelings now, Johanna! You had to take this public? Really? Unbelievable. I used the various powders and perfumes you gave me. I went to the “doctors” you recommended. I even stopped bathing with a hard-boiled egg instead of soap, even though I’ve yet to find a better way to keep my skin soft and supple. And yet you’re still not satisfied.

Well, you know what, Johanna? You know what else smells bad? The human heart. Especially when you break it wide open. (I’m just guessing on that, but you gotta figure it stinks in there.)

Nice knowing you, Johanna. Good luck with your new friends. Your new friends who “smell good.”

Okay, everybody, go read Labash. I’ll be over here, being strong and carrying on with my life. What? No, I’m not crying. I was just thinking of a sad movie. I don’t remember what it was called. Oh, wait, it was Johanna Is an Ungrateful Backstabber Who Has Conveniently Forgotten All Those Times I Drove Her to the Airport.

P.S. Buy Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys. Matt Labash wrote almost every word. In the title.

Jim Treacher