Al Gore once boasted to Time magazine that he and his now-ex-wife Tipper were the inspiration for Erich Segal’s bestselling novel, “Love Story.” The pair, whose most memorable display of affection was an uncomfortable extended public grope at the 2000 Democratic Convention, announced recently (via blast email) that they would be divorcing after 40 years of marriage.
There has been much speculation as to the cause of the split, but with police investigating charges that Al sexually assaulted a massage therapist, and blogs claiming he slept with Laurie David, we can be pretty certain Tipper is feeling hurt and betrayed.
Well, as we often say here at The Daily Caller, “Chin up, girlfriend! You can do better.” It’s in that spirit that we’re encouraging the former Second Lady to get out there and find a new, better man, preferably one who presence will torment her no-good ex-husband. So without further ado, here are some suggestions:
6. Aaron Schock
Should Tipper decide to pull a Demi and go for a much younger man, Illinois Republican Aaron Schock is a solid pick for any dejected wife of a former Democratic politician. With washboard abs and smile that would make even Mildred Ratched melt, this conservative congressman is sure to warm the former Mrs. Gore’s globes.
5. Tim Robbins
If not the younger man, then perhaps the taller man. At 6 feet, 5 inches, Tim Robbins is a whole of lot of movie star and environmental activist. You know what they say about a tall man, and this recently single fellow is up for grabs. To top it off, unlike Gore, Robbins actually won his Academy Award for acting! While he is just as gung ho about ending industrial progress in order to save the earth from the devastation of carbon emissions, at least she’ll be used to the global warming pillow-talk.
4. Dee Snider
In the eighties, Tipper co-founded the Parents Music Resource Center, which advocated for warning labels on music albums with explicit lyrics. Dee Snider famously testified that such labels represented an erosion of the right to free speech. Since anger is a first-cousin to lust, it’s fair to assume that with this “Twisted Sister,” Tipper will rock and roll all night.
3. Lord Christopher Monckton
The exoticism of a foreign accent is always appealing, and this English lord can do Tipper one better: he has spent years tirelessly working to mock and disprove her husband’s anthropogenic global warming theories. While not a looker in his own right, Monckton will be sure to lend an ear to all Tipper’s complaints and add a large number of his own grievances. Taking a spin around the block on the destroy-the-global-warming-prophet bandwagon will do her good.
2. Karl Rove
Who better for Tipper to embrace than the man who designed her husband’s life-shattering 2000 presidential defeat? It is safe to say that since the ‘00 election, references to “the Architect” in the Gore household have been met with the same kind of reactions the name “Voldemort” received in the Harry Potter books. Going to the ‘dark side’ could be invigorating for Tipper. And BONUS POINTS: Karl Rove has been going through a divorce himself!
1. George Hussein Onyango Obama
Born to Barack Obama Sr.’s fourth wife, George Obama is best known as the president’s Kenyan half brother, whom Vanity Fair found living in a makeshift hut on the outskirts of Nairobi during the 2008 presidential election. For his poverty-stricken/eco-friendly lifestyle and certifiably unique biography, George Hussein Onyongo Obama tops the list. Al Gore may profess to be green for purchasing carbon offsets, but his lifestyle liberalism looks a little pallid when compared to actually living in a shack on less than a dollar a day. Unlike Gore, George does not seek the limelight and avoids identification with his presidential brother. As he once put it, “I live like a recluse. No one knows I exist.” A simple life in exile may be exactly what Tipper needs.
We encourage readers to submit their own suggestions for Tipper.