Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I am on your side. Believe me, I am. I’m pulling for you. But you need to help me out a little here.
You’re like the little sister I never had and yet feel desperate to rescue because you’ve gone astray, far, far, far away in a land called Hollywood. And you’re also like the wide-eyed college students I teach, often using you as an example: “You’ll learn more about crisis PR by watching Lindsay Lohan @#$%-up than you ever will from any textbook,” I tell them as they burst out in laughter.
It’s true, you are officially a crisis. And it really is no laughing matter.
Just stop for a moment and think about this: You have been given every possible gift in this life. OKaaaay, I agree, that’s with the exception of your parental guidance, which could keep the After School Special people in business for a loooong time. Still, do you know just how lucky you are?
You’re amazingly talented…across several genres. You are not ordinary by any stretch of the imagination. Granted, while talent is, indeed, a dime a dozen these days and often mass-produced in the studio, you, my friend, posses something more, something so unbelievably rare and innate. It’s something that cannot be learned in drama class or choir practice, and certainly not when you’re sloshed out of your mind.
Yet you need to be cautious because even your “something wonderful” can be easily flushed down the toilet if not appreciated and respected, and let’s face it, you have your “F-YOU” adorned finger on the lever and the water is starting to swirl. Of all the things you may have offered up to the porcelain god over the years (Trust me, I get it, I like to party with the best of them too and have cozied up to the porcelain god myself a few times), your career shouldn’t be one of them!
Do you have any clue at all how many young women and men would kill to have even an ounce of the talent and opportunity you’ve had? DO YOU?
Just look at the latest work of abstract art otherwise known as Heidi Montag. When we first met her, she was the all-American girl, just like you. Fresh-faced, charming, giggly, a delicate flower, JUST LIKE YOU! All she wanted was to be liked, and we did like her, again, just like you. Now her own mother claims to be “mourning” her.
Thanks to an attempt so unprecedentedly desperate to become famous with little regard or vision towards a profession she might actually possess talent for (Unlike you, acting and singing are not it for her), Heidi has repeatedly made a fool of herself to the point where it’s embarrassing and gut-wrenching to even watch her. She married a lunatic, she butchered her body into House of Wax perfection, and she has achieved what could likely be her lasting legacy: a living corpse.
Heidi Montag and a long line of other fame seekers will never bask in the success you’ve enjoyed already in your short life. They will struggle to perfect what talent they’re convinced they have, they will beg, borrow, steal, and even hop on sullied casting couches from one end of Tinsel Town to the next if even only to take one step forward and two steps back, and they will brutalize their self worth to unchartered depths, all for a single shot at what comes naturally to you.
You know what I really want for you, Lindsay?
Someday long from now, I want to see you accepting a lifetime achievement award. I want to see you stride confidently and energetically across a grand stage, looking healthy and radiant, that twinkle once more in your eyes, while you’re being called a modern day Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Kelly, Bette Davis. I want to hear you once again described as a role model. And, I want to see a mind-blowing body of work that the years ahead will hopefully still bring full of the pure magic that only you have the potential to give the world through your many gifts.
What I REALLY DO NOT want to see:
Your name on some ridiculous tourist map of must-see celebrity tombstones.
Peace & Love,
P.S. A note to your handlers, otherwise known in the biz as addiction enablers, who hand you the drinks, who offer you any number of indulgences despite what they know about you, who cart you from party to party staggering night after night after night, who encourage you to tell the world to go screw itself and everyone in it because you’re a super star and can do whatever you want:
Please, please, please tell them for me, there is already blood on their slimy, self-serving hands.
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses.
A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).
Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm. For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.