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Apple news… from the future!

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As you may or may not know, Tucker Carlson is a visitor from the 31st Century. (Why do you think it took him 10 years to stop wearing the bow ties?) This morning he let me borrow his time machine, and I traveled forward a few years and checked out the news in the land of tomorrow. In 2013 there were… I mean there will be no actual newspapers left, but fortunately I brought my laptop with me. Here was… er, here will be the top story on KeithOlbermann.com:

August 27, 2013

Steve Jobs reacts to latest iPhone controversy

Cupertino, CA — After a weeks-long media firestorm surrounding problems with the new iPhone 6, Apple Chairman and CEO Steve Jobs yesterday called a press conference to address the issue. The following is a transcript of his remarks:

Good morning. Thanks for coming, good to see you.

Well. Crazy couple of weeks, huh? We here at Apple have been delighted with the response to the iPhone 6, the best iPhone yet. It’s better, stronger, faster. But you know that already; you’ve all seen the ads with our new spokesman, Lee Majors. He’s still got it!

[Hums theme to “The Six Million Dollar Man,” nervous laughter from press]

But seriously. We also know that a very small percentage of iPhone users, or in some cases their surviving loved ones, have complained of a problem with the device. And we’re listening.

We understand the concerns, but please keep in mind that we did extensive field testing of the new iPhone leading up to launch. In almost no cases did pressing the home button simultaneously with either volume button cause the iPhone 6 to explode, sending razor-sharp shards of glass and hot gobbets of liquid crystals into the user’s face and neck.

We understand, however, that this has been the experience of a mere handful of our customers.


[Long pause as Jobs looks down, takes off glasses, rubs eyes, replaces glasses]

Hey, I’ve got an idea: How about not pushing the home button at the same time as a volume button? I mean, how tough is that, genius?

Seriously, why would you do that in the first place? I can’t think of any iPhone function that requires you to do that. Are you just pushing buttons at random like a dumb monkey or something? Are you stupid? Jesus H. Christ.

[Holds up iPhone and pokes at it haphazardly, contorts face] “Uhhhnn. Uhhhhhhnn! Duhhhhh, I’m a big dips***! I can’t do the simplest little things! How do I even hold down a job that pays enough to afford this thing? Durrrrrr!”

You know what? I’m glad. I’m glad this is happening. After everything I’ve done for you people, all it takes is one little glitch and you turn your f***ing backs on me. At least now I know. Now I know who you really are. You don’t deserve the iPhone. Go f*** yourselves.


Jobs did not take questions.

The “Splodeygate” controversy hasn’t affected sales of the iPhone 6, which has sold more than, yes, 6 million units in its first month.

Fair warning, then! Wait, did I just change the space-time continuum? Awesome.


(Hat tip: Gizmodo)

Jim Treacher