OMG, guess what? Obamacare has more hidden expenses! — Census is over, America is jobless again — Congress is going to make damn sure that Wall Street has its fair share of chicks — Pres. Obama is so tired of signing things, secretly hopes GOP will win the House — DoD drops a cool $4 million on administering gay survey — Every time Joe Biden is allowed outside, something bad happens
1.) Analysts discover yet another glitch that will make Obamacare more expensive than promised — “Senior Republicans have said for months that the new responsibilities required of the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) under [Obamacare] would saddle the agency with billions of dollars in additional costs — expenses not accounted for in the bill,” reports The Hill. And according to a report by the IRS’ internal monitoring agency, senior Republicans were right: Congress “must provide sufficient” and additional “funding” in order for the IRS to exercise its new powers. Why did no one know this In January? Or February? Because LOOK OVER THERE MEL GIBSON IS WAXING HIS EL CAMINO! This realization–some have called it a “re-realization”–has “rekindled” the petty viciousness that marked the long, dark winter of our discontent (i.e. five months ago), and reminded the average American that his government is filled with liars, cheats, and wide-eyed, slack-jawed incompetents. For your health!
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2.) The Census, which sort of sucked this year, is over and now all those people need jobs — “It was a finely honed machine, this United States Census team, and it had a good run,” idiot man-child Michael Powell proselytizes in the New York Times, but now that the Census is over, more than half a million people will need jobs again very soon. “Its decennial work largely done, the Census Bureau is shedding hundreds of thousands of workers — about 225,000 in just the last few weeks, enough to account for a jot or two in the unemployment rate,” writes Powell. “Most of those remaining will be gone by August; a few will last into September.” What will these people be qualified to do that they could not do before they began working for the Census? Absolutely nothing! Because helping aging immigrants fill out their Census forms is only a smidgen more complicated than running Aunt Gertrude’s bingo card while she mainlines Franzia. Thank goodness these people comprise only a “jot” in the unemployment rankings!
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3.) Financial regulation bill will bring with it new age of affirmative action — “The Dodd-Frank financial regulatory bill, ostensibly aimed at reforming Wall Street and preventing a future financial crisis, will impose racial and gender quotas on financial institutions if passed,” reports The Daily Caller’s Caroline May. The bill will establish Offices of Minority and Women Inclusion all over the federal government, and these offices will “ensure, to the maximum extent possible, the fair inclusion and utilization of minorities, women, and minority-owned and women-owned businesses in all business and activities of the agency at all levels, including in procurement, insurance, and all types of contracts.” Apparently, weighting the scale has worked out so well for cities like Detroit, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C., that the federal government has decided to make the program national.
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4.) White House official hints that Obama hopes Republicans will absolve him from having to sign anything for two years — “I think there’s no doubt there are enough seats in play that could cause Republicans to gain control. There’s no doubt about that,” White House Snake Charmer Robert Gibbs said Sunday on Meet the Press. “Joe Barton, John Boehner, those are the types of things you’ll hear a lot I think from both the president and from local candidates about what you’ll get if the Republicans were to gain control,” Gibbs said, in reference to Boehner’s recent nuke/ant analogy. While Gibbs was stony on the outside, on the inside, he was smiling like a special-needs kid in a store that sells only puppies and Barbasol shaving cream. The White House cannot wait until Nancy Pelosi is not in charge of running the country anymore.
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5.) DoD spends $4.4 million to ask troops if they know what a gay is — In an effort to better gauge how the troops feel about working, showering, eating, and sleeping with troops who may want to do all that stuff in closer proximity than the military currently allows, the Pentagon surveyed the men and women of the U.S. Military using top-notch gaydar-testing technology. One question, for instance, begins with “You might think Solider Q is homosexual if…” and offers the following answers as “definitive” evidence: “Soldier Q listens to music that is popular with gay people” and “Soldier Q just seems a little bit peculiar.” There is also an entirely different section of answers that count as “dubious” evidence. It is all part and parcel of maintaing the finest fighting force on Earth.
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6.) Joe Biden ruined the weekend for a lot of people — “Vice President Joe Biden held up airplane traffic for hours on Friday night at Los Angeles International Airport after an appearance on Jay Leno ‘s ‘Tonight Show,’ leaving restless passengers fuming,” according to The Wrap. In a snappy retort to claims of inconvenience, Biden’s flack claimed that “there was no sign of any stoppage,” but declined to specify what that meant. One passenger was so angry that he released a statement asking, “Are the American people aware that the VP and presumably the President and who knows who else in the president’s cabinet create such significant travel disruption when they travel the country? I sure wasn’t aware.” No one is ever aware that Biden is in the house until he ruins the day for a large number of people in some seemingly innocuous way and/or runs them over, like that time he destroyed a cab on his way to The Daily Show. Oh, and that time his car killed a guy.
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