Earthquake strikes epicenter of government-sponsored vice–a sign from God? — Prosecution rests in case of Blago v. The World — Google is laying the groundwork for a royal screw-job — Cat lovers attack Pres. Obama’s fiscal commission — Democrats continue to deny benefits to poors — Goldman Sachs up
1.) God punishes nation’s capital with earthquake — According to the United States Geological Survey, a 3.6 magnitude earthquake struck suburban Maryland–just 20 miles northwest of Washington, D.C.–early on Friday morning. It is anyone’s guess as to what God is angry about, but here are some possibilities: Democrats’ unnatural financial regulatory bill, Democrats’ refusal to fund unemployment benefits for 2.1 million people, Democrats’ incessant whining about how Pres. Obama is not running each and every one of their re-election campaigns 24/7, Nancy Pelosi’s poor performance on Top Chef, and Democrats, Democrats, DE-MON-CRATS!
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2.) Pres. Obama is probably not guilty in Blago trial — The Chicago prosecutors charged with sending Gov. Rod Blagojevich to Alcatraz rested their case a month ahead of schedule, reports The Daily Caller’s Jon Ward. This is what we know so far about the allegations that America’s blackest white governor engaged in pay-to-play schemes with Pres. Obama: “There has been no evidence that Obama or anyone in his circle ever came close to discussing or offering a quid pro quo to former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich in exchange for an appointment of Valerie Jarrett to replace Obama in the Senate seat he was vacating.” So far, so good, Mr. President! However, notes Ward, it looks like Obama may have–nay, did–lie about the extent to which he lobbied on behalf of total hottie Valerie Jarrett. (This is old news, but still worth repeating, because lies are bad.) Anyway, Obama said shortly after winning president, “I had no contact with the governor’s office. I did not speak to the governor about these issues. That I know for certain.” But he sort of did, he just used some meathead union rep as a proxy. (Never forget.)
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3.) Enjoy the Internet now, because soon you will hate everything about Google — “Google boss Eric Schmidt is one of the nation’s most politically active business leaders,” reports Politico. Schmidt is “a man who uses the cachet of the company he leads, as well as his own charisma, to build strategic alliances in the Obama administration and on Capitol Hill.” But aren’t all business leaders like this? Yes, they are all trying to get their cloven hooves into your pocket, but only Google has figured out how to use hooves on a computer, and now they are going to use this power to push net neutrality down people’s throats and provide cover for Obama officials who send emails to each other and their liberal friends “off the record.” Google is so dangerous, in fact, that “most people” that Politico “contacted for this story refused to speak on the record about their concerns.” No one wants to lose their Gmail over something as pesky as giving the FCC permission to regulate the most liberating piece of technology (wo)man has ever known!
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4.) Lefties vow to fight Obama’s fiscal commission — “Liberals wary of cuts to Social Security benefits are taking on President Obama’s fiscal commission, seeing it as a more serious threat to the entitlement program than President George W. Bush’s push to privatize the system five years ago,” reports The Hill. Progressives who represent Old People with Cats, No Kids, say that the fiscal commission is meeting in private, which in turn could mean that they are having private discussions about all the ways that they would like to save America money. These critics are not swayed by the fact that “the commission’s proposals can’t be enacted without going through Congress” or that “House and Senate leaders have pledged to call floor votes on those recommendations that get the backing of 14 of the commission’s 18 members” or that the committee’s chairmen are planning to “ensure Social Security’s solvency.” Old folks know that this crap about the debt is just that. NOW, WHERE DID QUEEN SHEEBA RUN OFF TO? IT’S TIME FOR THAT FELLA TO GET PETTED!
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5.) Why do Democrats hate poors? Why? — Republicans have offered to extend unemployment benefits for millions of Americans on four separate occasions by offsetting UI benefits with stimulus cash, and were shot down all four times, a senior GOP Senate aide told The Daily Caller. What is the Democratic argument for leaving millions of Americans without a means to sustain themselves just until they get back on their feet? “You can’t use stimulus money as an offset because we don’t think stimulus money should be used as an offset.” Ha! It is all so simple now! You can’t use stimulus money because you can’t use stimulus money. During a press conference yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that the stimulus money creates too many jobs, and that is why she is willing…to let millions of…unemployed Americans send their children to bed with empty stomachs? We don’t actually understand it either!
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6.) Goldman Sachs buys its way out of a violent spanking — “Goldman Sachs agreed Thursday to pay $550 million to settle a fraud suit brought by the Securities and Exchange Commission that accused the storied Wall Street bank of selling a subprime-mortgage investment that was secretly designed to fail,” reports the Washington Post. “The fine is the largest the SEC has ever assessed against a financial company. But the settlement also is striking because Goldman agreed to a host of changes to how it does business and because the bank, while not admitting wrongdoing, agreed to express ‘regret’ for including ‘incomplete information’ in marketing materials touting the investment to clients.” Much like your freshman-year roommate was willing to “express regret” for hiding under your bed while you called your mother and demanded that she FedEx Mr. Teddy to the campus post office right away, or you weren’t going to get any sleep.
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