Ruth Graham took a page from her favorite cable news host’s playbook this week and went on vacation. However, unlike Keith, she’s spending her time off away from the computer. By Tuesday night’s episode of Countdown, we realized that our interns hadn’t built up the mental and physical fortitude they’d need to cope with Ruth’s usual assignment, so instead, we decided to have them scour the email@example.com inbox for new entries in the KeithOlbermann.com Cornell College essay contest. Though we’ve already announced official winners and runners up, we think some of the other entries we’ve received are worth sharing.
Our first two entrants were inspired by Keith Olbermann’s pursuit of agricultural education at Cornell to offer suggestions to Preisdent Obama on how to reinvigorate America’s farming industry. First up is a video entry by Douglas Holtz-Eakin, John McCain’s chief economic adviser in the 2008 campaign:
WATCH: DOUGLAS HOLTZ-EAKIN’S PLAN TO SAVE FARMERS
Next up is an entry from Craig Mitchell, one of our readers.
CORN, COWS AND CACA
America’s agricultural landscape is in crisis. It is, for example, much too flat. But President Obama could lift the spirits of our working farmers as high as the tallest mountains if he promises to deliver grain silos full of cash with which to create millions of green agricultural jobs. This might rescue our country from dependence on foreign oil, dissuading freedom fighters of the math-inventing persuasion from orchestrating more man-caused disasters.
Our corn crops, once used only to create high-fructose syrup to fatten our children in the name of corporate profits, can instead be transformed into pure, clean ethanol to power what soon will be our federally-imposed fleet of tinny little deathtraps buzzing over our smooth government-maintained roads. Billions and billions of dollars in ethanol corn subsidies will be required to pull this off, but what a small price to pay for feeling good about energy and stuff.
And there is yet more promise for our agriculture workers. The effluent – both gaseous and gooey – from farmyard fauna is a goldmine of greenieness. Whether flatulence from grass-fed hormone-free cattle or droppings from home-raised free-range guinea fowl, President Obama can decree it all be converted into pure, clean methane to power our schools, daycare centers and first-responder facilities. Some say we can’t afford the many billions required to turn sh*t into shining compact fluorescent light bulbs, but I say we cannot afford not to afford to, um, afford it.
Soon our Deptartment of Energy SWAT teams will finish installing weather stripping in every drafty home, and our army of hard-working census-takers will complete their vital job of harassing citizens so congressional districts can be gerrymandered into the shape of octopi. With the stroke of a pen, President Obama can redeploy these good people to help shovel thousands of tons of taxpayer dollars out of C-5 transports as they strafe o’er our fruited plains. Each dollar is seed corn that will sprout into a diverse, sustainable future. And let’s not forget our small, local farmers, on whom we rely for organic quail eggs, Belgian endive and some nice, peppery arugula. Surely billions of dollars are due them so they can provide living wages to the undocumented brethren toiling in the fields and crapping on the lettuce.
Some say these subsidies reduce the supply and raise the price of foodstuffs, thereby diverting sustenance from Americans’ kitchen tables. This so-called “law of supply and demand” is a false and dangerous notion; prices, after all, are set by colluding corporate fat-cats. But even if food becomes less abundant, most Americans could stand to lose a few pounds. And if it comes down to Americans starving in order for us to realize the promise of our green future, well, that’s what the death panels are for. As Justice Ginsburg said, some people you don’t want too many of. But not farmers! They’re cool.
In our third entry, addressed to TheDC Editor-in-Chief Tucker Carlson, reader Anthony Bialy answers a question Keith incessantly attempts to address in each night’s broadcast of Countdown: Who is the worst person in the world?
KINDLY STOP BEING AWFUL
You are the Worst Person in the World. Sir. It’s nothing personal: It’s just that you are a dreadful subhuman who would sell the Earth to murderous alien cyborgs in exchange for a barrel of oil, you sickening Reagan-lover. I can’t stop thinking about your rottenness, and I will lecture you about your faults since I can’t legally eject you from our country or planet.
For one, you consider Fox News Channel’s ratings dominance to be legitimate despite the fact that the network is run by owners of an underground Nazi baby breeding laboratory. Ratings should only be measured for people, not for radioactive monsters who hate the stimulus because it embodies decency and goodness.
It doesn’t count when bad guys best you. Hating the Yankees means that you don’t have to tally their World Series titles, which is why MSNBC actually remains supreme in the cable news wars. Stop hating on the true, secret viewership king.
Even worse, you don’t care whether people eat at Boston Market. A particular cable news host went to great lengths to inform the populace about the chain’s sandwiches and their ooey gooey cheese sauce, jerk. You don’t give a damn about hot, fresh homestyle mashed potatoes, either, I presume. Change now!
Additionally, you are an uppity jerk who doesn’t worry that Fred Merkle is not in the Baseball Hall of Fame. You don’t even know who Mr. Merkle is, much less fret about why he doesn’t have a plaque in Cooperstown. That is because you loathe. Why can’t you be more like a kindly MSNBC yapper?
For the record, I don’t know who that dude is, either. But a certain gentleman who made his reputation by wisecracking about Bulls versus Pacers highlights is fixated upon ensuring the enshrining of unbearably esoteric baseballers from a century ago. You’d get it if you were as bright as this demonstrably unappreciated cable newsman.
Worst, you are an America-destroying ogre who doesn’t respect that attending fake Cornell still counts. The farm college in question is called Cornell, if you want to play the Greg Brady exact words game, so you’re technically wrong. And don’t claim that the talking head in question implied he attended an Ivy League institution, as there’s no way he could have read your diabolical mind. A little less cynicism would make you a little less hateful.
You can’t even imagine a scenario where your entire wholly unwieldy ego was wrapped up in what university accepted you, can you? Of course not. You are not absurdly brilliant like a certain anchor whose show is so amazing that he doesn’t need people tuning in to prove it.
True geniuses are always ignored in their own eras, anyway. Van Gogh didn’t sell paintings, Edgar Allan Poe died as broke as he was drunk, and Keith Olbermann astounds 11 viewers with incisive analysis of why Satan still envies Dick Cheney. You disagree, which is why you are the worst. Either change your life or change the channel to Fox News. No — don’t try the latter!