Opinion

How do you solve a problem like Paul Ryan?

Bob Maistros Chief Writer, Reagan-Bush '84 campaign

To the tune of “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?”

He’s caused a flap with his Roadmap
It really is a bear,
He’s pushed it in the hinterlands
We hear it on the air.
And underneath the fine print
There are landmines everywhere.
I’ve even heard him say “Medicare Vouchers!”

Does he not know that we have an
Election we must win?
To change Social Security
Is Original Sin!
I hate to have to say it
But when all the facts are in
Paul Ryan’s not an asset to the Party.

I’d like to say a word in his behalf.
“Let’s cut debt” is no gaffe.

How do you solve a problem like Paul Ryan?
How do you deal with an honest pol?
How do you find a way to shut up Ryan?
Tell voters the truth!  And touch the Third Rail! The gall!

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him play
Our games the consultants’ way?
How do you keep him from taking a stand?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Paul Ryan?
Just when we have November in our hand?

When I’m with him I’m amazed
Out of sorts and slightly dazed
‘Cause he’s not afraid to tell it as it is.
Oh those personal accounts

How the Democrats will pounce.
He’s a diamond! Liability! A whiz!

He will pull the Party down

Give the House back to those clowns.
We must keep ourselves from controversial stands!
He’s so smart! A cannon loose!
He’s courageous! Cooked our goose!
He’s a headache! He’s a hero!
Oh, that plan!

How do you solve a problem like Paul Ryan?
How do you hide a would-be Budget Chair?
What will Pelosi say about Paul Ryan?
“Tax cuts for the rich!” “Push Grandma down the stairs!”

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you change his bents
When he’s simply making sense
And even Ms. Rivlin says that he’s the man?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Paul Ryan?
We have Congressman Moonbeam in our band!

Bob Maistros was the chief writer for the Reagan-Bush ’84 campaign, a former Senate subcommittee counsel and a longtime public relations advisor for companies ranging from AOL to MTV to XM Satellite Radio. He now offers biting satire based on insights gathered at the front lines of headline-making corporate crises, political contests and the culture wars.