CONGRATULATIONS on your first mug shot! You must be sooo excited!
If there were any doubts before that you’re a legitimate super star, all those silly cynics can take a big ol’ flying leap right off the boardwalk. You are now officially up there with A-List perps like Lindsay, Paris, and half of Hollywood.
Since I’m not sure who exactly deserves credit for this primo photo op, I’ll also lob a shout-out to your MTV producers for a job well done (to cover all my bases here). Such a JACKPOT for you and them.
First, the season premiere of Jersey Shore last Thursday night was off the charts, confirming you’re indeed worth every last penny of your new pay hike. Then, BAM!, the next day you’re arrested, while doing what you do best – stumbling around aimlessly in a buzzed stupor looking oh so cute for the cameras (YO-YO-YO, Miss Over-Achiever!). In fact, I think it may already be time to renegotiate another salary bump.
AND, the cherry on top of this sundae custom fit for a guidette princess: With Lindsay drawing the Get Out of Jail Early (so she can rehab her way to further cashing-in) Card on Monday, the trendy new accolade of “jailbait” has never been a HAWTer score for fame-mongers (Not that you’ll have to waste your time in the pokey for disorderly conduct. It’s not like you drove drunk or anything; you merely tried to ride a bike and face-planted on the boardwalk. Besides, you have friends in high places – You are Tweethearts with John McCain after all.).
Furthermore, you have rewarded all those kids who look up to you as a (cough, cough, GAG) “Role Model” with another lofty goal to add to their “To Do” list for how to get famous quickly and easily. So generous – All you do is give give give to your fans – I declare, you’re the Mother Teresa of Seaside Heights!
This is such a critical moment in your career. Therefore, we need to talk a little shop for a moment. I obviously can’t read your handlers’ “No Comment” minds to determine what they have in store for you since this little handcuffed gem was conveniently dropped in your busy lap, so let me give you some advice:
ONE: Don’t go blabbing about your arrest to any old reporter. Oh, hell no! Hold out for the big bucks, and the cover, of course, from someone like People or Us Weekly. Hey, if Lindsay can score a big payday from her stroll through the Halls of Justice, you most certainly can too.
TWO: You are now perfectly poised for the next phase of your career. In addition to Snookin’ for Love (HELL-OOOO, a given), eventually when Jersey Shore starts hitting low tide and The Sitch and gang become so last year, you have the ultimate launching pad for headlining movie adaptations of Celebrity Rehab and Girls Gone Wild. With your charismatic crossover appeal, your options should be spread wide open.
THREE: This is very very very important, so please listen carefully: The next time you’re arrested, be sure to consult Lindsay’s hair and make-up people before your publicist allows the mug shot to be snapped (Sorry, but to be honest, this first one verged on When Animals Attack.).
Finally, contrary to my tough love approach above, I do have your back on this whole reality stardom thingy, for realzzz. No harm, no foul intended; so please, no gelled horse heads in my bed (Oh right, never mind. I forgot, you’re Chilean.).
Peace & Love!
P.S. BTW, you best beware, Snooks: Now that Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to Baby Daddy Levi Johnston and since your Real Housewives neighbor Teresa Giudice is reportedly in debt, you’re going to have a little competition grabbing for those coveted headlines. But fear not, you’re a few hair bumps ahead of these guys on that one.
John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses. A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).
Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm. For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.