Three months to go before the midterm elections and the conservative airwaves abound with optimism. If it’s “all about the economy, stupid,” that explains why the Democrats are circling the wagons. Still, I’m not nearly as sanguine as the conservative talk-show hosts that a critical mass of American voters will connect the dots, and therefore make no predictions about the outcome. I do predict, however, even as the campaign speeches become increasingly strident, that you won’t hear the following from America’s Liberal elites anytime soon:
Senator Chris Dodd: It’s time to apply the oversight principles of the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act to government. As a legacy to the American people before I retire from public service at the end of this year, I’ve again joined with my esteemed colleague, Senator Barney Frank, to co-sponsor the Dodd-Frank Congressional Reform and Citizen Protection Act. Among its protective reforms is a provision mandating “suspension-from-school” for a number of days equal to the percentage annual increase in the National Debt. If the National Debt grows by, say, 12 percent, all Representatives and Senators must stay out of Washington for 12 workdays.
Congressman Barney Frank: We’ve also included in the FRANK-Dodd Congressional Reform and Citizen Protection Act a government version of the “say-on-pay” reform. A 90-day High Visibility Period will precede any Congressional vote to increases salaries for House members and Senators. During High Visibility, the Congressional Budget Office will be required to publicize the dollar amount of the salary increase, the percentage increase and the total resulting salary. Plus, the CBO will be required to include in the publicity an audited valuation of Congressional benefits. Then, the American people will cast a non-binding vote on whether we deserve such an increase.
Vice President Joseph “Uncle Joe” Biden: Tea Party? TEA PARTY!? Who the !@#$% cares about the Tea Party? Listen, !@#$%-head, this ain’t Trenton Harbor, it ain’t 1862, and the French aren’t raising your taxes.
Political Consultant James Carville: When it comes to taxes, the typical American is like a frog in a pan of lukewarm water. So long as you heat the water gradually, the frog will acclimate to the higher temperatures until the water boils and the frog’s cooked. So, too, with the American taxpayer. If you want to raise taxes, don’t swat him on the head. Just raise those rates gradually and you’ll get what you want with minimal complaint. We hike the payroll tax ceiling a couple points every year and them taxpayers utter nary a “rrbbt.”
President Barack Obama: I’ve kept my promise to the American people to be the president for change. Let’s look at the facts. When I was elected president, the national debt was 10.6 trillion dollars – up 22 percent from the 8.7 trillion dollars debt my party inherited when it took over Congress in the 2006 elections. Less than two years into my administration, the debt’s increased another 25% to 13.2 trillion and growing like a fungus in the shower of a Tijuana jail. Meanwhile, unemployment was at 4.6 percent when the Democrats took over Congress in 2006, at 7.7 percent when I took office after two years of Democrat Congressional stewardship, and today, with full Democrat control, unemployment ranges between 9.5 percent and 10 percent – and is not expected to decline anytime soon. Friends, that’s change you can believe in.
Jimmy Carter: And y’all thought I was incompetent.
Former Vice President Al Gore: My advice to job-seekers: be entrepreneurial. Ten years ago I was unexpectedly out of work, so I picked myself up by the bootstraps, looked for suitable opportunities in the environmental industry, and discovered that millions of people wanted to blame millions of other people for heating up our planet to dangerous levels. I worked hard to exploit this fertile marketplace. The results were a movie, a book, and a lecture series that netted me millions and another new mansion outside Santa Barbara. And you can do just what I did. Sure, there will be detractors who’ll accuse you of presenting dubious science in a one-sided fashion, and others who’ll claim that putting your ideas into practice will trigger even more job losses. But think how motivated the new job-seekers will be – how much entrepreneurial energy will be generated – when they see what you’ve accomplished. God bless America! – even if its citizens are melting the polar ice caps.
House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi: It’s good to be the Queen.
Representative Charlie Rangel: You want answers?
House Ethics Committee: We think we’re entitled.
Rangel: You want answers?
HEC: We want the truth!
Rangel: You can’t handle the truth!
Nancy Pelosi: You ask, should Senator Harry Reid retire this year? Should he quit? Listen, during an audience I granted Senator Reid just last week, he assured me he doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Nor the meaning of the words ‘free market,’ ‘capitalism,’ ‘entrepreneur’ or the difference between ‘debt’ and ‘deficit.’ I told him that’s not important now, and he replied, without a moment’s hesitation, that ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.’ Does that answer your question?
Charlie Rangel: You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in the Fall, you need me in the Fall.
Bill Clinton: Actually – check the record – I was the first ‘black’ president.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: Honestly, Oprah, everything we’ve accomplished with Iran and North Korea and in the Middle East is a testament to President Obama’s strength of character and charisma. And the French haven’t loved us as much since the end of World War II. You know, the President modestly gave himself a B+ for his performance to date, but – and I know Bill joins me in this – he really deserves an A+.
Bill Clinton: And if Obama keeps f#$%&!g up, I’ll be the first “First Gentleman.”
Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan: You say ‘tomato’; I say ‘tomahto’; you say ‘gay marriage’; I say ‘hey, it’s marriage.’
Rep. Barney Frank: Our next stimulus package will enable the banks to offer discounted loan rates on home mortgages to marginal applicants on a non-discriminatory basis. I made it work before for America; I’ll make it work again for America.
Democrat Party Shill Chris Matthews: I know polls show that President Obama’s popularity has taken a hit, but I gotta tell ya – he still makes a thrill run up my leg. And that Elena Kagan, wow! – her performance at her confirmation hearings made a thrill run up my other leg.
Judge Susan Bolton: Badges?? We don’t need illegal immigrants responding to stinkin’ law enforcement badges!
Reporter: Mr. Goddard, as Arizona Attorney General and Democrat candidate for Governor, what do you think about Judge Bolton’s decision blocking crucial parts of Arizona’s immigration law?
Terry Goddard: Politics is a tough game, so it pays to have the referee on your side.
I’ll concede that I may be a bit overconfident about an outburst from Uncle Joe, the officially sanctioned “loose cannon” of the Democrat Party. But otherwise – remember, you heard it here first what you won’t hear.
Samuel R. Lewis is an assistant general counsel for a global telecommunications company. He writes commentary on current, past, and future events based on his diverse experiences as a former U.S. Army officer, parent and participant in some of the most tumultuous events of the past 20 years in the business world.