Levi, you just made Sarah Palin the happiest woman on earth

John Schlimm Contributor
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If news that you knocked-up someone other than Bristol Palin is true, I have to ask:  Who the @#$% is your advisor?  Cause it’s time for a TEAM LEVI shake-up.

Clearly, your manager is not on the ball here.  See, I place blame where it’s deserved.  After all, I certainly don’t expect a superstar like you to tell time, carry condoms, or even tie your own shoes, that’s your handler’s job.

You were doing so well there for a while, following my “Fame Whoring 101” blueprint to a “T”.  You were out of the gate and clearly in the lead by a whole coattail’s length:  Red Carpets, GQ and PlayGirl spreads, chunky paychecks, Kathy Griffin worshipping you (Sorry to break it to you, but I hope you realize you were the big ole butt of that D-List joke), and doting reporters clinging to every Palin secret you could manage to burp out.

It was comfy there in Sarah’s shadow, wasn’t it?  And when that well ran dry after you blab-blab-blabbed everything you knew, just like a flea, you had the smarts to hop right on over to familiar territory.  Cue the Us Weekly cover from like five minutes ago: “We’re Getting Married!”  That really should have had a “Ya’ll” hooked on at the end.  I know you’re not from the South, yet somehow it seems appropriate.

BUT, Levi, Levi, Levi!

Granted Bristol’s coattail isn’t quit as exciting (I hear ya – Been there, done that) as Sarah’s, it still held the promise of a major comeback for you, and all of it only milliseconds after we had almost re-forgotten you:  Reality shows, books, product lines, more Red Carpets, more magazine covers, more jet-setting, even more girls to…oh, never mind.

You so could have coasted on the wedded bliss of that tail until at least 2012, when I suspect even your would-be mammaGRIZZLY-in-law probably wonders if her time will have finally run out.   But then you allegedly had to let those little raging hormones get the best of you.  Oh well, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time, right?

I was happy, however, to hear you’re not letting something silly like being kicked to the curb again by your original Baby-Momma #1 (Poor BP must have a sore foot by now) get you down.  I understand that post-break-up you were spotted partying all night long in the Hollywood Hills with your friends (News Flash:  They’re not your friends) AND that you’re still gunning for that reality show.


1.  Regarding possible Baby Momma #2:  Whether true or not, Deny, Deny, Deny.  If nothing else, that will just drive the price tag for interviews Up, Up, Up!

2.  You might very possibly still score a reality show deal, but let’s face it, it’ll never last.  You do realize you have to talk at least somewhat coherently for a TV show?  So, onto Plan…Q (I think you passed Plan B a while back)…

3.  Start laying the groundwork now for when the said reality show flops:  It’s never too soon to make that sex tape, unless you already did (WAIT!  Did you ever do one with Bristol?  For the sake of your career, please say yes.  If so, make plans now for your bodyguard to steal and leak it when the time is right – Once you get some new advisors, they’ll know when the right time is.)

4.  The only thing left then is to figure out some way to get you arrested, because you definitely need that hot mess of a mug shot.  BUT NO DRINKING & DRIVING!  You look like a good fit for petty theft though, so give that some thought.

Okay, Friend, I think you’re set for now.  And you really should give yourself a big pat on the back.  If Baby Momma #2 is for real, you will have made history, because I bet this is the first time Sarah Palin will be thrilled that abstinence went the way of Obama’s Hopey-Changey stuff!

Until we meet again in the headlines…

John Schlimm is a member of one of the oldest brewing families in the United States, meaning he sees life through sudsy, gold-colored glasses.

A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).

Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm.  For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.