Dear Heidi Montag:
You’ve hit a major milestone! You have just become the biggest cliché in Hollywood. And all by following my “Fame Whoring 101” blueprint down to the letter.
I have to hand it to you: While Paris Hilton battled a knife-wielding intruder, Levi Johnston made his run for mayor official (by having his producers file the proper paperwork), Miss Mexico became Miss Donald Trump Universe, Elin officially divorced Tiger, Lindsay went free again, and tainted eggs made people everywhere sick, YOU held your own in the headlines by joining the negotiations to sell your sex tapes. My, you’re quite the one-stop-shopping businesswoman, aren’t you!
Boy, do I feel foolish though. Here I thought you were officially a has-been. I should have known better. I momentarily forgot there is no such thing as a “has-been” these days, only degrees of how very very very low wannabes (and their estranged husbands) will degrade themselves to stay relevant.
Since low is obviously the new high in Hollywood, you should really pat yourself on your surgically scooped-out back for a job well-done. And pat Spencer’s back too while you’re at it, since I’m sure this was all his idea. After all, your ghostwriter literally wrote the book on it, didn’t he? You guys aren’t the “authors” of How to Be Famous for nothing.
And word that you and Spencer aren’t simply a one-act dog and pony peep show and that there is even chick-on-chick footage involving you is pure genius! It really shows the sheer dedication you have to your…um…career, or is it a craft, or do we go with (the world’s oldest) profession?
Who can blame you for heading into the skin-flick genre? Back when the “RECORD” button was pushed the first time, you were only an impressionable young girl. A persuasive, pointy-red-eared dude was whispering sweet nothings to you and you were simply following the example Kim Kardashian set for all young girls out there wanting to make it big.
If Kim K. can do it (and, WOW, did she ever! Have you seen her show’s latest off-the-chart ratings?), you certainly can, right? Keeping up with the Pratts is as good as a done deal (or at least a gig on the Vegas Strip) after your sex tapes hit.
However, just for a moment, please excuse me as I speak directly to the fresh-faced, All-American-girl-next-door version of Heidi Montag whom we all first fell in love with years ago (You might remember her — She was the likable cutey whom you brutally murdered with insecurity and a plastic surgeon’s scalpel): When you left us far too soon, Heidi, you took with you a little of our own innocence and all of your self-respect. My heart goes out to you and your family. I only hope wherever you are in the great Hollywood beyond, you are finally at peace. We miss you ~ xo.
Okay, Plastic Heidi, back to you again, since I know how much you crave attention. I have one last parcel of wisdom to impart to you (for now): Since, clearly, no one can stop you from making the biggest mistakes of your life, just be sure this time around to settle for nothing less than a seven-figure deal for those sex tapes (because you never know how long it will be before that next paycheck and headline will come your way).
Peace & Love,
P.S. Please tell Spencer that, yes it’s true, Karma is a bitch, and she has his number!
A former celebrity publicist, educator, and artist, John is the award-winning author of several books, including his latest, Harrah’s Entertainment Presents…The Seven Stars Cookbook as well as The Ultimate Beer Lover’s Cookbook (named “Best Beer Book in the U.S.” and “Best Beer Book in the World” by the international Gourmand Awards).
Join John on Facebook.com/JohnSchlimm and Twitter.com/JohnSchlimm. For more information, please visit www.JohnSchlimm.com.